Are We Simply Puppets In This World?

Puppet Master 3

This is probably going to be the most contentious thing I write, it’s totally off subject and something I normally wouldn’t talk about but, it’s a perpetual discussion I have with people. How is one supposed to have faith in someone they can’t physically see?

It’s said that God controls things that go on in the world but why would someone with that kind of power let certain things happen to people? I question my faith every day. Sometimes I feel like God and the devil are playing with our lives. Like we’re put in the middle of their foolishness and their quarrels and are used as puppets. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God because I very much believe in God and the devil. I believe that they are both real otherwise what other explanation would there be as to how we got here and why things happen.

Faith and trust is the same thing. I have a hard time trusting people who I can see on a day-to-day basis let alone trusting or putting faith in someone who I cannot physically see at all. It’s tough. Why should I trust someone that lets me go through rough times and experience pain? I get the whole it makes you a stronger person and teaches you how to deal with difficult situations because trust me my life has been anything but easy, but why? I don’t go to church or read the bible as much as I used to in order to understand the word and my issue as far as that goes is most church goers are hypocritical. Most tell you what you’re not supposed to do, point the finger and preach AT you not TO you. I’m a visual learner, not only that but when someone tries to explain something to me I don’t just trust what they say and go on about my business. If it’s something I could care less about than obviously that’s totally different but, if you want me to understand your logic about something I need proof…facts. I need it to make sense to me.  Even if you make it believable and I walk away honestly believing you, I will still do my research. When I try to apply certain situations from the bible to everyday life or situations nowadays it just doesn’t make sense therefore some things I just can’t comprehend. I understand I should try to put myself in those times but I can’t do that completely because I wasn’t alive during that time period so my mind doesn’t relate. Maybe reading the bible more may help, it may not. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

Faith 2What I don’t understand is what Gods purpose in creating us is? I think about it this way. If I have some Lego’s, my objective is to build whatever type of setup my Lego’s are. Once my village, ship or whatever is built and I have the Lego people assembled I use them as my action figures or puppets and play with them. That is the conclusion. I build them to play with them. Sometimes I’m gentle other times I’m extremely rough on them. So what’s His purpose? Are we just something for them to control and play with? Again, I understand this may be a touchy subject for some but it seems to be a continuous conversation between friends and me. What are your opinions?

 

Situationships, Do We Not Want Better For Ourselves?

side2Why do women think that it’s okay to be a man’s “number two”?  I was watching Being Mary Jane on BET and it dawned on me that a lot of TV shows nowadays have some sort of adulterous scandal going on. In a way it seems like they are glorifying the lifestyle but in all honesty I think they are really just trying to touch on a subject that is so common and real in the world.

Being Mary Jane is about a successful, African-American woman who has all aspects of her life together except when it comes to her love life. She is dealing with David, who also has it together, her family adores him but they can’t seem to get right. They have that on again off again we’re just sleeping with one another here and there type of relationship. She’s also dealing with Andre, a married man who she has fallen in love with under false pretenses.

Now granted at the beginning of the “relationship” with Andre, she had absolutely no clue he was married. One morning she is picking up his clothes off of the floor and steps on his ring. She immediately confronts him but even after confronting him then seeking out and confronting his wife she continued to deal with him. I mean I get where she’s coming from, her feelings were already involved but that doesn’t make it right. She realizes it and she plays tug of war with her feelings. One minute she wants him, next minute she doesn’t because SHE doesn’t know what she wants in her life.

Young man text messaging with young woman sleeping

I see it too often now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been there a few times and at the time was ok with it. Now I think back and realize how stupid it was of me to think that it was acceptable behavior. For me, it wasn’t that I was physically insecure. It was commitment insecurity. I was in a situationship with him. When he and I were together (meaning around one another), it was US. We didn’t have to hide anything or have to refrain from doing certain things or going certain places or any of that. I just knew I didn’t have to completely commit so I felt like I was winning. I was so wrong because I still let my feelings get involved and at the end of the day we were never going to be WE. When I began to break things down to myself I realized that if I couldn’t commit to someone and be in a monogamous relationship then I had no business being in a relationship at all. Not to mention I was not only disrespecting the other woman but I was disrespecting myself.

Do we not want better for ourselves or is it that we are just conforming to society? People think they have to settle or they will miss out on something. FYI, you can’t miss out on something that isn’t meant to be to begin with.

Black Sheep

Black Sheep

Up until two years ago my relationship with my biological father was basically nonexistent. I have three brothers and a sister. In 2012 we all went to my father’s house for Easter. It was the first time in 12+ years that we had all been in the same place at the same time. We all had our reservations about how things would go but it ended up being a good trip. There was a LOT of unanswered questions and mixed emotions about things that needed to be resolved. We all kind of avoided it all but one small disagreement between my dad and my sister escalated and that’s when everyone got involved and the conversation ended up being had. Things and feelings were put out in the open and we eventually got the root of everything. One thing that shocked me was finding out that my sister and I are not blood related but, the conclusion was that from that point on we were all going to make an effort to keep the lines of communication open and build relationships with one another. Most of us have done a pretty good job of keeping in contact but I have this feeling that my sister avoids me. It makes me feel some type of way.

She’s always been the only girl around my dad and my brothers. Now that my dad and I are building a relationship, as well as me and my brothers she is no longer the only girl. I call, text or try to set something up where we meet here there or whatever and she always blows me off. She constantly changes her number and everyone ends up with it but me.

The other day my youngest brother texted she and I in a group chat saying Happy Valentine’s Day. Neither one of us knew who the other number was so we both asked.  When he responded clarifying who was in the group chat I told her to lock my number in her phone and I would call her on the weekend. Well, I had a wedding to go to over the weekend and I forgot to call. I remembered Monday evening on my way home from work so I texted her and told her when I got home and got situated I would give her a buzz. She responds by asking “who’s this?” I think to myself I know she’s not serious. I just told her to lock me in the other day. So I tell her who it is and say what the hell. Her excuse is that she lost all her numbers. I tell her to lock me in her phone again and I would call in 45 minutes. So I get home and call but I get the voicemail.

Am I just being a brat or does it seem like she’s avoiding me?

Whenever I ask my dad what’s up with her or in conversation telling him how she never answers or responds to calls and texts, I feel like he makes excuses for her. It’s always “she’s going through a lot right now” or “She’s just dealing with her own mess right now” but I’m like she communicates with everyone else so clearly she’s not going through much. Just makes me think she doesn’t feel she needs to build a relationship with me and I get it if that’s the case but say that we are grown.

I continue to try to reach out to her but no luck. I asked my oldest brother (he and I have the same mother so they are not blood related either) last night what the deal was with her and kind of explained how I felt like she avoids me but, he gives me the EXACT same excuse as my dad. I mean word for word. So I got in my feelings and told him not to worry about it, I’m sick of the excuses and just ended the conversation.

Was I wrong?

I was speaking to a good friend and asked her opinion from someone on the outside looking in. Her response was to think it through. She asked me to ask myself a few questions.
 

Think of this, have you done anything that you can think of to make her act like this? Did you say something? Behave a certain way? And also think about why she would do it. You said yourself you treat people the same way at times. When you do it why do you do it? If you can’t come up with anything then the answer is yea she’s most definitely trying to avoid you for no reason. Then you either have two choices. Ask her straight up what the issue is or just get over it.

She is so right. I answered every question and came to the conclusion that my sister is just avoiding me. I can be anti-social at times but never towards my family especially for an extended period of time. We haven’t communicated enough for me to behave a certain way or say something to make her act this way. I have only tried to reach out to her and be a sister. I can’t just “get over it” because I’m tired of holding things in but I don’t know how to approach the situation for the simple fact I don’t know her. I’ve always felt like the black sheep of my family (on both sides) but was beginning to feel like I belonged and this was like me taking 10 steps back. . If she won’t answer or return a phone call how do I have a conversation with her about this?

Believing

This made me think of some of the things I feel at times and thoughts I have but struggle to put into words.

Girl, Interrupted

I love you.

 

I view the experience in an out of body manner even now, just as I did then.  

What sticks the most is his smile.  Me in tears, and him smiling.  I can see his smile sometimes when I close my eyes.  His teeth gleaming, his breath like garlic.  From his smile, I see his eyes.  They glitter, a cross between brown and hazel and something that I can’t identify.  The gleam in his eyes is joy.  He found happiness in my tears, somehow.  I didn’t understand that.  I still don’t.  I don’t get how people can find happiness in the pain of others when I’m so sensitive I will cry at commercials. 

There was a “Private Practice” episode where one of the doctors was raped in her office.  I both wanted to watch it and didn’t want to watch it at the same time.  I…

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Trying To Understand My Depression

Depression1

Dealing with depression is a struggle. Like any disease it can take over your life. I have my good days and I have my bad days. On good days it seems like nothing and no one bothers me. You would think I have it all together and not a care in the world. On bad days, weeks or months (because it can last for any length of time) I’m miserable. It’s like I stand in my own way mentally and emotionally which then turns into physically (in a sense). This disease hinders you from doing everyday things or just interacting with people. You’re unmotivated and sad. Sometimes you’re even mad at yourself and or at the world. You become unproductive and sometimes destructive. The dreams and aspirations you once had quickly dissipate and it’s just this spiral out of control. It’s like you are the demise of your own empire and don’t realize it while you’re in this “slump”. You may do drugs or drink to cope with life. Some people self mutilate, they may not eat or eat too much. One way or another you let yourself go and it’s all because you’ve created these thoughts and feelings in your mind. When you have good days, you could be on top of the world accomplishing every goal you’ve set for yourself. It’s like the gift and the curse.

Some people just go through life dealing with it (like myself), some see a physician and are put on medication (tried that and I don’t know if it was effective or not but I’m not a medicine taker) and some see a therapist and are able to deal by just talking about things.

Recently I’ve thought about the latter but I’ve mentioned before that writing keeps me sane so I’ve been writing on a daily basis to see if this is something that can help me. In some ways I believe so but not so much in other ways. I begin to write for me but then realize that I’m going to publish it publicly and it’s like I begin to write for the potential reader. I notice at times I hold back some of the things I feel or want to say in fear of how I may be perceived. I realized I’m constantly asking myself and God “Why? Why me? Why am I this way? Why can’t I change this and get rid of the depression?”

I follow My Female Persuasion here on WordPress and Twitter and she introduced me to Mandy Hale  (The Single Woman). While I’m browsing through Mandy’s site I come across her post Where Is God In All of This? As I began to read it I thought to stop and move on to something else without finishing but opted not to and kept reading. As I read through it, it seemed like this was the answer to my whys. I don’t want to say I’m an extremely religious person and I’m no atheist either (I have some conflicting views on religion and I can explain why but I’ll save that for another post) but God truly spoke to me with Mandy’s response to the email.

I have struggled with depression most of my life. I’m 32, single and no kids. I’ve always asked “why me?” I thought maybe my depression would hinder me from being a good wife and mother. I used it as an excuse as to why I wasn’t as successful as I could’ve been. I always thought maybe He wants me to work on myself first but now it’s clear to me, he won’t take this disease away because it’s what keeps me close to him. I began to think about all the times I’m in a happy place and things are going good for me, I’m not as close with him during those times. But when the depression kicks in I have no one else to call on but Him and he’s always right there to listen, to hold my hand and walk me through things. I need Him to survive. If He took this disease away at this time in my life our bond would be almost nonexistent and that’s not what he wants. He has a plan for me and although it’s painful and mind-boggling he’s got me where he needs me to be.

I guess this made me view things differently. Always know there’s a plan already written for you. Things happen for a reason; people come in to your life at a certain time for a reason. Some may stay a while others just have a cameo. Although you may suffer from depression it’s not always a bad thing. You can always turn a negative thing into a positive. No matter what keep your head up. Depression may have you at your lowest points at times but when you have those good days play off of them. Be as productive as you can be. If you feel you can’t do it on your own make sure you seek help. It may be frustrating or embarrassing but take care of yourself, of your mind. It’s a terrible thing to waste. You never want to go through life regretting not doing something because you have a disease. Don’t let any disease dictate your life.

Maybe this post will be an inspiration for you Where Is God In All Of This?

Friends With The Monster

I realize I run away from reality.  I try to occupy my mind with people, places and things to keep me from dealing with my life. During the day besides working, I daydream to keep my mind occupied but at night when there’s nothing but me and my thoughts, there’s a million different things going through my mind and I can never think straight. I don’t sleep much and when I do, it’s like I’m still thinking because I always seem to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. My mind is strong but I can’t seem to apply it towards things of importance. I focus on men, wanting a family and love; none of which are of any importance when I can’t get myself right. How can you want a relationship and a family when you can’t even seem to find yourself? What could you possibly have to offer?

At the beginning of every year people always have this “New year, new me” attitude, I hate that. I never understood why you would have to wait for a new year to change something in your life but, this year I decided I’m going to try that approach. I’ve actually been taking some me time to analyze my life, confront my thoughts and try to make a change. Most think I’ve been anti-social and honestly I’m at a point where I could care less. I’ve spent the majority of my life living for others and trying to please everyone else or trying to fit in.

I had a conversation with myself (yea yea yea might sound crazy to you but sometimes it’s just something you have to do), I’ve been trying to figure out what it is in life I really want to do. I see people progressing and I felt stagnant. I kept using the excuse that it’s too late and I’m too old to be trying to figure certain things out about my life so I was just content with where I was. Writing has always kept me sane so I began to write. I wrote down a list of questions that I had to ask myself.

1)     Who am I?

2)     What makes me happy?

3)     What do I want to do with my life/ where do I want to be and why?

4)      What steps do I need to take to get there?

5)     Can I commit?

6)     What am I so afraid of?

7)     How do I control my mind and organize my thoughts?

I’ve been trying day by day to answer these questions thoroughly and honestly and trying to figure out a plan of action. I still haven’t completely figured things out but I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve had progress mentally and to me, that’s most important. If I can’t get my mental right I feel like I will always have a void in my life no matter where I’m at or what I’m doing.

Believe in Yourself

We are always so caught up trying to impress the next person or trying to keep up with the latest things that we tend to forget our goals and purpose or we never even think about what they really are. Always take life head on and be true to yourself. Conquer your fears and never let anyone (especially yourself) discourage you from achieving your dreams and goals.