I realize I run away from reality. I try to occupy my mind with people, places and things to keep me from dealing with my life. During the day besides working, I daydream to keep my mind occupied but at night when there’s nothing but me and my thoughts, there’s a million different things going through my mind and I can never think straight. I don’t sleep much and when I do, it’s like I’m still thinking because I always seem to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. My mind is strong but I can’t seem to apply it towards things of importance. I focus on men, wanting a family and love; none of which are of any importance when I can’t get myself right. How can you want a relationship and a family when you can’t even seem to find yourself? What could you possibly have to offer?
At the beginning of every year people always have this “New year, new me” attitude, I hate that. I never understood why you would have to wait for a new year to change something in your life but, this year I decided I’m going to try that approach. I’ve actually been taking some me time to analyze my life, confront my thoughts and try to make a change. Most think I’ve been anti-social and honestly I’m at a point where I could care less. I’ve spent the majority of my life living for others and trying to please everyone else or trying to fit in.
I had a conversation with myself (yea yea yea might sound crazy to you but sometimes it’s just something you have to do), I’ve been trying to figure out what it is in life I really want to do. I see people progressing and I felt stagnant. I kept using the excuse that it’s too late and I’m too old to be trying to figure certain things out about my life so I was just content with where I was. Writing has always kept me sane so I began to write. I wrote down a list of questions that I had to ask myself.
1) Who am I?
2) What makes me happy?
3) What do I want to do with my life/ where do I want to be and why?
4) What steps do I need to take to get there?
5) Can I commit?
6) What am I so afraid of?
7) How do I control my mind and organize my thoughts?
I’ve been trying day by day to answer these questions thoroughly and honestly and trying to figure out a plan of action. I still haven’t completely figured things out but I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve had progress mentally and to me, that’s most important. If I can’t get my mental right I feel like I will always have a void in my life no matter where I’m at or what I’m doing.
We are always so caught up trying to impress the next person or trying to keep up with the latest things that we tend to forget our goals and purpose or we never even think about what they really are. Always take life head on and be true to yourself. Conquer your fears and never let anyone (especially yourself) discourage you from achieving your dreams and goals.