I’m constantly trying to fit in and find myself. It’s frustrating at 32. I started this blog as an outlet…for my thoughts and feelings to be expressed honestly but I don’t think I’ve done that. I’ve only been blogging for one month but I was re reading the posts that I have written and although it’s me, I don’t feel like I’m being completely open. I don’t feel like I’m laying it all on the line, I’m still holding back.
I recently had a childhood friend post on a social network to the world, family and friends that he was suffering from depression. He said he was tired of living in secrecy (in a sense) and felt he needed to let it be known. I immediately said to myself I could never be that open and honest with family and friends about my disease. I thought how can he let everyone he knows and loves know that he has a disease…and depression at that? Damn he’s brave. I feel so much better telling people who do not know me because they don’t feel pity for you….they don’t know you. They just listen and move on. When you tell people who personally know you things shift, people change. I don’t want that. I make things awkward enough by my mood changes, disappearing acts, sabotaging of relationships and so forth not to mention every day I leave my house I put on a happy face and carry the weight of my world on my shoulders. Everyone seems to think I have it all together and they come to me for advice but little do they know I’m going through things mentally with myself. I’m fighting my own demons.
I try to make sense of me, of my mind, of my life but it’s like a big tangled mess. Have you ever had a chain tangled up and you spend a great deal of time trying to unravel it but it seems like you’re making a bigger mess than when you first started…yea that’s my life. I just want to be normal 100%. Sometimes I feel like I make my life this complicated. Writing helps me to vent but now I’m second guessing whether I should’ve started this blog or not. I’ve found myself writing for everyone else and not for myself. Worrying about if anyone is going to read it? Will they like it? Will there be more followers coming? Will I be relevant? Normally when I write I just write. No format, no audience, no judgment just me and my thoughts. That was the exciting part for me. I could be open and honest and release all my cares, worries, frustrations, happiness, etc and be free from it. Maybe not completely but in that moment. I want to get back to that. I want to really be able to help someone with my words….my story…my life. So I will write when things come to me and be honest in what I’m writing. No format, no comparison to anyone else’s writing/blog…just me. Disregarding all conventional rules….hence the name, Bohemian Blu.