Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Love or lust? To settle or not to settle? Who am I? Lost and most definitely not found….these are all feelings I’ve had and am currently having. I feel like I don’t know my purpose in life. How can one not know their purpose? How can you be so unsure of yourself and go through life clueless? It’s like I’m going through the motions of life just because. Where do you find the answers? I’ve degraded myself, used drugs, self-inflicted pain (when I was a teen), settled for less in every aspect of life, self hate, depression, self-doubt, peer pressure, following instead of leading, solitude….I’ve tried everything. I have even prayed about it and still….crickets….I don’t even know where to begin. I cry constantly, day and night…I feel like my life is a waste. That’s a dangerous way to think and feel. I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. I dream about things but nothing becomes a reality. I pray about things but again, nothing becomes reality. It’s like what’s the point of me? I try to think positive but I get my hopes and emotions up only to be let down by others as well as myself.
I’m always so intrigued by the mind. Forensic psychology, psychology in general as well as sociology…I want to know why people do the things that they do, why they think the way that they do. Sometimes I can pick someone’s brain and understand them or analyze a person and be right on point but, when it comes to myself it’s like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle missing the key pieces.
I recently started going back to church and at times I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be and other times I still question whether I’m in the right place. The only way I can describe myself and my feeling is…..empty. It’s like I’m aimlessly looking for something….what?…I haven’t a clue.
It’s frustrating. I constantly question how can a person go through life this way and still be functioning mentally, physically and emotionally in any way. What is a girl to do?