I haven’t written in a while…dealing with a lot. Life happens and sometimes you have no choice but to deal with it.
Lately though, it’s like I’ve been picking and choosing what I want to deal with and the rest I’ve just swept under the rug. Bad decision-making on my part. I’ve abandoned my writing because I don’t want to think or feel. I hate when I get like this because I bottle everything up inside and feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. No bueno.
Let’s address the “love/lust life”….so, every male that was in my life or trying to be in my life come to find out ALL have significant others or a situationship. But there’s three, yes three that I feel some type of way about the situations…I know, I know makes me sound like a whore huh?…but that’s not the case….anyway, so one is my ex, we’ll call him D, we have almost 5 years of history. Then there’s J, I began dating him after my ex and we have 2 years of history. And last there’s Dot, we have a year of history.
So D and I broke up 3 years ago but the last two years here and there kept dealing with one another then I finally took the situation into my own hands and ended it. He was in a relationship and has been going through it with this female. Now clearly we spoke throughout the relationship he had with her but it was more so a sexual thing but still we are still friends. Now that they are going through it he has confided in me some things as well as made the comments like “she’s not wife material” and he could see me as his wife, etc..how do I feel about it all? Well, I’ve waited years for him to say this. I mean he’s always told me he loves me and to even attempt to discuss marriage is a big step for him but I don’t think I’m emotionally there with him anymore….which brings me to J.
J and I met through some mutual friends but oddly enough through twitter. We were following one another on twitter for a while and spoke here and there and he happened to be coming to my city, mentioned it and we agreed we would get together. Weekend came and was almost over, didn’t hear from him and vice versa… And honestly didn’t think anything of it. I believe there was a boxing fight that weekend or something. Anyway, we ended up being at the same place at the same time unbeknownst to either of us. We happen to be tweeting and ended up meeting. There was an instant connection. I don’t think love at first sight exists but this was the closest thing to it. The chemistry we had was like our souls collided. It was odd and unexpected but, lovely. So we immediately began communicating more via any avenue possible. He was only in town for a short time that specific time but was always making trips here on business. He eventually moved here and we spent a lot of time together learning one another. It was bananas. He would make me forget about D but he would never commit so I decided to take matters into my own hands and walk away. A year went by that we didn’t speak. Well, we spoke every few months or via social network but it was scarce. The drama truly unfolded with him. He had another situationship going on which resulted in the conception of his youngest daughter. It was like a dagger to my heart because I truly love this man….I’m IN love with him. At times I think I’m more in love with him than I was with D but, I can’t compare love. I love them separately and differently. That situationship ended and he ended up in an actual relationship and has been for the last year but, within the last 6 months we reconnected and things were moving very quickly. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I was told to be honest and open (as I always am) but this time I laid everything out in the open only to be told that he can’t effectively love two people but he can’t be without me in his life….he still has a girlfriend and I basically feel I’m pushed to the side. REJECTED‼️ 😣
Now, over the last year and before J and I reconnected like we did I met Dot. We met through a mutual friend via twitter. He introduced us, we hit it off and met at the mutual friends cookout. Things progressed fairly quickly only to come to a complete halt. It bothered me. I asked numerous times if he was in a relationship, situationship or what was going on. Constantly asked if I should control and contain feelings and so forth and he played the game as though it was ok to feel what I was feeling and wanting more. He then stepped off and went into the Air Force. Being a military brat I know he can write in basic but he made it seem like he couldn’t do anything which was red flag number one…then his son didn’t go to his graduation but this same female he’s always around did. I suspected they had something going on and sure enough…they do. Now that I know that for sure I really feel like he played with my emotions…but I don’t understand why. I mean, all I asked for was honesty and made that very clear even explained why but he decided to act childish. I can admit, since I confirmed that the two are an item I’ve been petty and blocked him from calling or texting me. Now, the twist is he has one possession that is close and dear to his heart that he has left at my house for the past year and has been told repeatedly to take it with him when he was there or to come get it, how do I go about that? I really want to be spiteful but I know I’d be wrong. If I’m not spiteful then I know that at some point we have to come face to face and because my feelings were hurt I feel like I may not act like an adult.
It’s like I have this sign in my forehead that says HOMEWRECKER 😩 but I am far from that. I want an honest man. What am I going to do with someone who would treat their lady this type of way? If he’ll do it to her then he wouldn’t hesitate to do it to me. I honestly think I’m meant to be single for the duration of my life 😔. No matter how much I push these men away they always end up back in my life. So clearly, I am the issue.
How do I break free from this? With my D, I honestly feel it’s just the fact that he’s my comfort zone in every way. Friendship, relationship, family wise, everything. With J, I’m currently in love with this man so it’s all emotional and as for Dot, right now at this very moment, I could care less. I haven’t been put in a situation yet with him where we are around one another since I’ve found out because he is still in tech school for the AF so I’m not quite sure how I really feel.
Am I just making excuses to make my self feel better?
….sigh…..the stories of my life…..😔