It’s Always Worth It

I’ve always had a thing for wanting to help young adults make the right decision. I was an at risk youth that didn’t come from a bad home or bad environment but, I made bad decisions and put myself at risk. I learned the hard way or should I say I’m learning and still paying for my mistakes.

 The type of environment I work in makes me view the world distinctively. I can walk in the mall, go to a restaurant or get on a plane and I wonder about people. I often ask myself, what illness do they suffer with? What have they gone through or what are they going through? What’s their lifestyle like? Are they open (honest) about themselves to others? Have they asked for help or do they really even want help? I’ve come to the realization, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you most definitely never know the full story. 

If I can reach someone going through emotional, health or physical difficulties parallel to what I went through I would love to help. Sometimes I question what difference I can really make in this world. What influence do I really have on the next person? Child or adult. Hell, I ask myself the same question when blogging nevertheless I continue to write. It’s my outlet. It doesn’t matter to me if 1 or 100,000 people read what I post. What matters to me is that I’ve put it out there at anyone’s disposal.

Most children are so eager to take on adult responsibilities but in actuality they are nowhere near ready. They think that those responsibilities will free them from whatever bondage they’re in at the moment but little do they know, life will only have a stronger hold on them… Kids having kids. Children committing crimes that their mind shouldn’t fathom. Kids being out on their own, not yet knowing the fundamentals of life. There are some kids that are molested, abused mentally, exposed to drugs, alcohol and or violence and that’s all they know, so they think they are set up to fail. Some people just need guidance or at least need to know that they have options. Children need to know that there is some sort of support system to help them overcome the tests, trials and the tribulations of life. 

 I’m always looking back and saying “if I had just….” or “I wish I had…” I held myself back from so many things and opportunities because I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a mentor, and most importantly I didn’t have the confidence in myself. I never got the help that I needed to work through the things/feelings I was experiencing. I didn’t have someone to tell me school was important and to really push me to excel, I didn’t have anyone to tell me the opportunities I could achieve athletically had I pursued any of the sports I was into, no one to mentor me about the company I kept or the bad decisions I was making and the consequences that came along with it all. You can’t make a child do something because ‘you said so‘. People don’t do well with being told what to do and especially with no explanation. Being asked and being told are completely different. Sometimes logic is the best answer – good reasoning behind the why is a good way to convince someone. 

 I would like to start a Non profit organization for at risk youth – I’m not even sure I want to limit it to just youth. I want to be able to help anyone I can but I say youth because, if I can prevent a child from making some bad choices early on in life maybe I can save a life or at the very least, save them some pain and struggle. Some people (i.e. Me) are hardheaded but that doesn’t mean give up on them. It means go toe to toe with them on the things that are life changing. Stay involved regardless. Some will take heed and others will neglect everything taught to them but, it’s always worth it.

~Blu 💙

Reminisce on The Love We Had…

Sometimes I think I live in the past. The world has changed so much. I look forward to what the future holds but, at the same time I want to go back in time. Not necessarily to change things, although there are a plethora of things from my past I’d love to change but honestly, I would just love to go back to the 90’s and bask in the atmosphere. 

Now that I look back everything was so simple. People were nicer, things were cheaper, TV was better, things were simpler, and music was heaven. I don’t listen to the radio much nowadays. It seems to be that music has lost its appeal. I was so immensely in love with music back then. Didn’t care what it was. Jazz, Alternative, Rap/Hip Hop, Gospel, R&B it didn’t matter as long as it was telling me a story of some sort, I was intrigued.

I could sit and get lost in music for hours on end and not care if I had missed out on anything going on in the real world. It made me feel like I was already connected right in to the world…via my tape deck. 

 

I may not remember certain things that happened in my childhood on my own but, put on a song and the memories come rushing back. May not be an exact pin pointed event but the time frame or a certain time of year comes back. 

Kenny G specifically reminds me of spring/summers in the late 80’s, early 90’s in England. That wasn’t the only time I heard jazz but I can remember vividly all the windows open on Saturdays, music on blast, cleaning the house. Sounds of Blackness and other gospel brings back the same kind of memories. En Vogue takes me to the early 90’s spending summers in the United States dancing and singing in front of the floor tv with my cousins in my aunties basement.  Jodeci: Diary of a Mad Band, I remember a middle school trip to D.C. Then there’s Erykah Badu: Baduizm which puts me in Jersey in the late 90’s visiting my brother, seeing/spending time with my father for the first time since my parents split and meeting my younger siblings for the first time. I can listen to Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers or Capone n Norega: War Report and I’m somewhere in the winter of the 90’s thuggin in the city. Any Biggie record is any year, anytime, any place. Xscape: Traces of My Lipstick I’m sitting in the stairwell at church of all places with two of my friends singing as if we were Xscape, SWV or TLC.  Fredro Starr: True Colors, puts me somewhere in the 2000’s reminiscing about the 90’s. Mya: Best of Me early 2000’s summer doing the absolute most with the wrong crowd of people. Hearing Bachata, Salsa and Merengue music takes me back to the late 90’s/early 2000’s life was a complete struggle but honestly it was much more simplified compared to now.   

 

The list could go on. Music was my life. I lived, breathed and worshipped music. The sounds, beats, stories, everything. I have to listen to the words for music to make sense to me. If I had music I could accomplish anything! Cleaning, writing, thinking, working…it was like living was just so much easier. Nowadays, most of the music that circulates the airwaves does nothing for me. Beats may sound good but not many are telling stories….and if they are attempting to, they make no sense. It’s disgusting, obnoxious, obscene things coming from male AND female “artists” that are actually quite disturbing. I don’t even believe they should be considered “artists” if you want to be real about things. To me it’s an insult to the few true artists that are still out there. But hey, I’m just a music junkie so what would I know. 

What memories do you recollect when listening to music? 

Escape! 

Dreaming…

My ultimate escape plan…

I would give the things I have…clothes, shoes, furniture, etc to goodwill or anyone that needed it. Find a place that’s warm year round, preferably with a beach or some sort of body of water close by and I would move. Pack up the little I had left, if anything at all and move. No warning, no thinking it through, no fear, no doubt, just going. A townhouse or condo with my name on it just so I would have a place to call “home” but, honestly…I’d be a nomad. Traveling here, there and everywhere. Just to see the world, experience people and other cultures, to help me better understand the world and/or the people in it. Never having just one destination. 

The world as well as the people/things in it are so beautiful. I will never fully understand but just to get a glimpse into other countries would taste so good to my soul and feed my curiosity. The different bodies of water, buildings, animals, nature, food, cities, countryside, learning and hearing new/different languages…seeing other cultures first hand fascinate me. Yes, I’m sure traveling gets tiring after so long but that’s why it would be my “escape” and I would have a “home” available to me. 

Traveling and not having to think about your every day problems or your problems period and being worry free would be an ideal life for anyone. If you were to travel and see the lives that others live, it would take the focus off of yourself and even possibly put things into a different perspective for you. Running away from life is what it seems. No, let me be honest…that’s exactly what it is but, if you have the financial means and capability to do so then why not dream a little?? 

Emptiness is Me….

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Love or lust? To settle or not to settle? Who am I? Lost and most definitely not found….these are all feelings I’ve had and am currently having. I feel like I don’t know my purpose in life. How can one not know their purpose? How can you be so unsure of yourself and go through life clueless? It’s like I’m going through the motions of life just because. Where do you find the answers? I’ve degraded myself, used drugs, self-inflicted pain (when I was a teen), settled for less in every aspect of life, self hate, depression, self-doubt, peer pressure, following instead of leading, solitude….I’ve tried everything. I have even prayed about it and still….crickets….I don’t even know where to begin. I cry constantly, day and night…I feel like my life is a waste. That’s a dangerous way to think and feel. I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. I dream about things but nothing becomes a reality. I pray about things but again, nothing becomes reality. It’s like what’s the point of me? I try to think positive but I get my hopes and emotions up only to be let down by others as well as myself.

I’m always so intrigued by the mind. Forensic psychology, psychology in general as well as sociology…I want to know why people do the things that they do, why they think the way that they do. Sometimes I can pick someone’s brain and understand them or analyze a person and be right on point but, when it comes to myself it’s like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle missing the key pieces.

I recently started going back to church and at times I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be and other times I still question whether I’m in the right place. The only way I can describe myself and my feeling is…..empty. It’s like I’m aimlessly looking for something….what?…I haven’t a clue.
It’s frustrating. I constantly question how can a person go through life this way and still be functioning mentally, physically and emotionally in any way. What is a girl to do?

Social Media: The New Us

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Why do we live in a time where we are constantly comparing ourselves to the next person? We are so consumed with everyone else’s lives and trying to keep up with what they have going on that we forget about our own….genuinely. When I say that I mean we forget what we really want and are so caught up in trying to attain what the next person has. I mean, the majority of us have multiple social network accounts. Every morning and continuously throughout the day you are checking and updating, correct? You’re checking to see what so and so’s status says, what pictures people have put up bragging about what they have and or where they have been or are going to, or you’re reading tweets and blogs. All this to see what the “trend” is, what the “next best thing” is or is going to be. But, have you sat down and thought about YOU? Have you disconnected from all the social media outlets and the world and thought about what it is that you want in life?

I constantly find myself getting caught up in what others are doing that I rarely ever think about what I really want. Not what I think I want or what I want because someone else has (trying to keep up with the Joneses if you will) but, what do I want without comparing myself to others. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you anymore. We let life pass us by and forget about ourselves. When we realize it it’s sometimes too late to do some of the things we once wanted and then we’re trying to figure out what else we could do not what we want to do.

I’ve taken a break from some social media sites and not so much others but recently I decided to take a look at Instagram and visit certain followers’ pages just to see what they had been up to and it made me realize I’m not really missing much. Most followers are people who I personally know and to see some of the things that they have posted and knowing their actual lives I thought this is all a facade….but for what? For who? Why? Everyone wants to be perceived as in shape, thick, pretty, sexy, wealthy, or like they have their lives completely together when in all actuality they don’t. They are struggling to pay bills, they have mismanaged money to buy whatever it is that they are bragging about, they make it seem as though they are happy when in reality they are miserable, if they’re single they act as though they have a significant other (their Jake from State Farm), if they’re in a relationship they act as though they’re single. I just don’t understand why the constant need for attention.
These are the first things we view in the morning, throughout the day and before going to bed at night. It has become our source of news and entertainment. It seems we have let the internet/social media sites dominate our lives. Some people are so consumed by these sites that it keeps them up throughout the night. It’s terrible. We have really got to do better with our lives, find ourselves and try not to be who/what people want us to be. What are we really getting from it other than instant gratification from a like, comment or follow? Honestly.

The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…