The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

Situationships, Do We Not Want Better For Ourselves?

side2Why do women think that it’s okay to be a man’s “number two”?  I was watching Being Mary Jane on BET and it dawned on me that a lot of TV shows nowadays have some sort of adulterous scandal going on. In a way it seems like they are glorifying the lifestyle but in all honesty I think they are really just trying to touch on a subject that is so common and real in the world.

Being Mary Jane is about a successful, African-American woman who has all aspects of her life together except when it comes to her love life. She is dealing with David, who also has it together, her family adores him but they can’t seem to get right. They have that on again off again we’re just sleeping with one another here and there type of relationship. She’s also dealing with Andre, a married man who she has fallen in love with under false pretenses.

Now granted at the beginning of the “relationship” with Andre, she had absolutely no clue he was married. One morning she is picking up his clothes off of the floor and steps on his ring. She immediately confronts him but even after confronting him then seeking out and confronting his wife she continued to deal with him. I mean I get where she’s coming from, her feelings were already involved but that doesn’t make it right. She realizes it and she plays tug of war with her feelings. One minute she wants him, next minute she doesn’t because SHE doesn’t know what she wants in her life.

Young man text messaging with young woman sleeping

I see it too often now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been there a few times and at the time was ok with it. Now I think back and realize how stupid it was of me to think that it was acceptable behavior. For me, it wasn’t that I was physically insecure. It was commitment insecurity. I was in a situationship with him. When he and I were together (meaning around one another), it was US. We didn’t have to hide anything or have to refrain from doing certain things or going certain places or any of that. I just knew I didn’t have to completely commit so I felt like I was winning. I was so wrong because I still let my feelings get involved and at the end of the day we were never going to be WE. When I began to break things down to myself I realized that if I couldn’t commit to someone and be in a monogamous relationship then I had no business being in a relationship at all. Not to mention I was not only disrespecting the other woman but I was disrespecting myself.

Do we not want better for ourselves or is it that we are just conforming to society? People think they have to settle or they will miss out on something. FYI, you can’t miss out on something that isn’t meant to be to begin with.