Emptiness is Me….

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Love or lust? To settle or not to settle? Who am I? Lost and most definitely not found….these are all feelings I’ve had and am currently having. I feel like I don’t know my purpose in life. How can one not know their purpose? How can you be so unsure of yourself and go through life clueless? It’s like I’m going through the motions of life just because. Where do you find the answers? I’ve degraded myself, used drugs, self-inflicted pain (when I was a teen), settled for less in every aspect of life, self hate, depression, self-doubt, peer pressure, following instead of leading, solitude….I’ve tried everything. I have even prayed about it and still….crickets….I don’t even know where to begin. I cry constantly, day and night…I feel like my life is a waste. That’s a dangerous way to think and feel. I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. I dream about things but nothing becomes a reality. I pray about things but again, nothing becomes reality. It’s like what’s the point of me? I try to think positive but I get my hopes and emotions up only to be let down by others as well as myself.

I’m always so intrigued by the mind. Forensic psychology, psychology in general as well as sociology…I want to know why people do the things that they do, why they think the way that they do. Sometimes I can pick someone’s brain and understand them or analyze a person and be right on point but, when it comes to myself it’s like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle missing the key pieces.

I recently started going back to church and at times I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be and other times I still question whether I’m in the right place. The only way I can describe myself and my feeling is…..empty. It’s like I’m aimlessly looking for something….what?…I haven’t a clue.
It’s frustrating. I constantly question how can a person go through life this way and still be functioning mentally, physically and emotionally in any way. What is a girl to do?

Trying To Understand My Depression

Depression1

Dealing with depression is a struggle. Like any disease it can take over your life. I have my good days and I have my bad days. On good days it seems like nothing and no one bothers me. You would think I have it all together and not a care in the world. On bad days, weeks or months (because it can last for any length of time) I’m miserable. It’s like I stand in my own way mentally and emotionally which then turns into physically (in a sense). This disease hinders you from doing everyday things or just interacting with people. You’re unmotivated and sad. Sometimes you’re even mad at yourself and or at the world. You become unproductive and sometimes destructive. The dreams and aspirations you once had quickly dissipate and it’s just this spiral out of control. It’s like you are the demise of your own empire and don’t realize it while you’re in this “slump”. You may do drugs or drink to cope with life. Some people self mutilate, they may not eat or eat too much. One way or another you let yourself go and it’s all because you’ve created these thoughts and feelings in your mind. When you have good days, you could be on top of the world accomplishing every goal you’ve set for yourself. It’s like the gift and the curse.

Some people just go through life dealing with it (like myself), some see a physician and are put on medication (tried that and I don’t know if it was effective or not but I’m not a medicine taker) and some see a therapist and are able to deal by just talking about things.

Recently I’ve thought about the latter but I’ve mentioned before that writing keeps me sane so I’ve been writing on a daily basis to see if this is something that can help me. In some ways I believe so but not so much in other ways. I begin to write for me but then realize that I’m going to publish it publicly and it’s like I begin to write for the potential reader. I notice at times I hold back some of the things I feel or want to say in fear of how I may be perceived. I realized I’m constantly asking myself and God “Why? Why me? Why am I this way? Why can’t I change this and get rid of the depression?”

I follow My Female Persuasion here on WordPress and Twitter and she introduced me to Mandy Hale  (The Single Woman). While I’m browsing through Mandy’s site I come across her post Where Is God In All of This? As I began to read it I thought to stop and move on to something else without finishing but opted not to and kept reading. As I read through it, it seemed like this was the answer to my whys. I don’t want to say I’m an extremely religious person and I’m no atheist either (I have some conflicting views on religion and I can explain why but I’ll save that for another post) but God truly spoke to me with Mandy’s response to the email.

I have struggled with depression most of my life. I’m 32, single and no kids. I’ve always asked “why me?” I thought maybe my depression would hinder me from being a good wife and mother. I used it as an excuse as to why I wasn’t as successful as I could’ve been. I always thought maybe He wants me to work on myself first but now it’s clear to me, he won’t take this disease away because it’s what keeps me close to him. I began to think about all the times I’m in a happy place and things are going good for me, I’m not as close with him during those times. But when the depression kicks in I have no one else to call on but Him and he’s always right there to listen, to hold my hand and walk me through things. I need Him to survive. If He took this disease away at this time in my life our bond would be almost nonexistent and that’s not what he wants. He has a plan for me and although it’s painful and mind-boggling he’s got me where he needs me to be.

I guess this made me view things differently. Always know there’s a plan already written for you. Things happen for a reason; people come in to your life at a certain time for a reason. Some may stay a while others just have a cameo. Although you may suffer from depression it’s not always a bad thing. You can always turn a negative thing into a positive. No matter what keep your head up. Depression may have you at your lowest points at times but when you have those good days play off of them. Be as productive as you can be. If you feel you can’t do it on your own make sure you seek help. It may be frustrating or embarrassing but take care of yourself, of your mind. It’s a terrible thing to waste. You never want to go through life regretting not doing something because you have a disease. Don’t let any disease dictate your life.

Maybe this post will be an inspiration for you Where Is God In All Of This?