Open Letter…

image

Just sitting here thinking about things. This is something that has been bothering me for a while but seemed like the best time to finally get it out…

Gu,
You and I were inseparable at one point. We were all we had, brother and sister. I was your side kick and your cheerleader, then life happened. We aren’t as close as we used to be but that doesn’t mean that I love you any different, just means we grew up and began going down our own paths. You are the most loving, kindest, and no question the strongest person I’ve ever known. You’re too kind at times (if there’s such a thing) and you never let things bother you.
These last few years have been really trying but yet you’ve remained strong. You keep things to yourself so no one ever really knows what’s going on with you or in your mind. This past week has by far been one of the hardest weeks you’ve ever had and I don’t know how you’re still able to hold it together but, my heart breaks every time I think of you because I know deep down you’re hurting and it hurts me to know that Im helpless….that I can do absolutely nothing to help you or to at the least help ease that pain you’re feeling.
The things you’re going through now I know are extremely difficult and you don’t really know how to feel or cope. No matter what anyone says or does it won’t make the circumstances any better, I get that.
I know the unknown is scary. I respect you and the drive you have when it comes to my nephews. They are blessed to have a father like you and I know as well as anyone else you will continue to be the best father, role model and friend to them as you’ve always been. I need you to understand that I’m here whether it’s to talk about any and every thing or nothing at all, to vent, to cry, yell, scream. Whatever you need, I’m here.

…and I know you feel responsible for certain things but, don’t. You can’t change things that are out of your control. I pray daily for you and I love you to no end.

Time heals all wounds…💌

~Blu 💙

Leverage

Colby asked about you”

Was the text message that came across my screen. As I read it a few times over, my heart dropped. Although I smiled, tears formed in my eyes. It was my ex telling me that his son was asking about me. It made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. He and I were together for three and a half years. When we met his son was 6 months. I grew attached to Colby. I never once thought that he would be attached to me. I guess I figured he was too young to understand who I was and what had happened or realize that I wasn’t going to be around anymore.

It’s been a while since I saw him.

My ex and I didn’t part ways on bad terms, we were just moving in opposite directions. We don’t speak on a regular basis but we do communicate at times. I was extremely close with his entire family and I had to eventually make the decision to cut all ties with them in order for me to let the relationship go completely.

I responded by saying I miss him too then continued by asking what he said exactly. His reply was “He sat down next to me and asks, where is Blu? I miss her”. At that point I didn’t know what to do or say so, I said nothing. It took me two hours before I could muster up a few words to say. “I got attached and there was no way around that.”
Although I would love to see this little boy, I’m not too sure it’s a good idea. I don’t have kids of my own but Colby was like my son and I treated him like so. I don’t want the old feelings to come back between his father and I, or the routine. I don’t want to get reattached to Colby or for him to get reattached to me.

Aaaaagggh!!! What am I to do!?!

Direction

I don’t want to put this child in the middle of our whatever it is and I definitely don’t believe in using a child as leverage, and sometimes I feel like my ex uses his child to keep me in a certain place in his life. I thought I had completely let go of the relationship but when I think about it, if certain things were different I wouldn’t think twice about trying again with him. So now my dilemma is, do I just dismiss the entire situation and say/do nothing? Do I go see Colby and possibly open a door that shouldn’t be opened?

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been making some really good and healthy decision in and for my life lately, I’m not sure where this would take me. I guess I have some honest thinking to do.

Black Sheep

Black Sheep

Up until two years ago my relationship with my biological father was basically nonexistent. I have three brothers and a sister. In 2012 we all went to my father’s house for Easter. It was the first time in 12+ years that we had all been in the same place at the same time. We all had our reservations about how things would go but it ended up being a good trip. There was a LOT of unanswered questions and mixed emotions about things that needed to be resolved. We all kind of avoided it all but one small disagreement between my dad and my sister escalated and that’s when everyone got involved and the conversation ended up being had. Things and feelings were put out in the open and we eventually got the root of everything. One thing that shocked me was finding out that my sister and I are not blood related but, the conclusion was that from that point on we were all going to make an effort to keep the lines of communication open and build relationships with one another. Most of us have done a pretty good job of keeping in contact but I have this feeling that my sister avoids me. It makes me feel some type of way.

She’s always been the only girl around my dad and my brothers. Now that my dad and I are building a relationship, as well as me and my brothers she is no longer the only girl. I call, text or try to set something up where we meet here there or whatever and she always blows me off. She constantly changes her number and everyone ends up with it but me.

The other day my youngest brother texted she and I in a group chat saying Happy Valentine’s Day. Neither one of us knew who the other number was so we both asked.  When he responded clarifying who was in the group chat I told her to lock my number in her phone and I would call her on the weekend. Well, I had a wedding to go to over the weekend and I forgot to call. I remembered Monday evening on my way home from work so I texted her and told her when I got home and got situated I would give her a buzz. She responds by asking “who’s this?” I think to myself I know she’s not serious. I just told her to lock me in the other day. So I tell her who it is and say what the hell. Her excuse is that she lost all her numbers. I tell her to lock me in her phone again and I would call in 45 minutes. So I get home and call but I get the voicemail.

Am I just being a brat or does it seem like she’s avoiding me?

Whenever I ask my dad what’s up with her or in conversation telling him how she never answers or responds to calls and texts, I feel like he makes excuses for her. It’s always “she’s going through a lot right now” or “She’s just dealing with her own mess right now” but I’m like she communicates with everyone else so clearly she’s not going through much. Just makes me think she doesn’t feel she needs to build a relationship with me and I get it if that’s the case but say that we are grown.

I continue to try to reach out to her but no luck. I asked my oldest brother (he and I have the same mother so they are not blood related either) last night what the deal was with her and kind of explained how I felt like she avoids me but, he gives me the EXACT same excuse as my dad. I mean word for word. So I got in my feelings and told him not to worry about it, I’m sick of the excuses and just ended the conversation.

Was I wrong?

I was speaking to a good friend and asked her opinion from someone on the outside looking in. Her response was to think it through. She asked me to ask myself a few questions.
 

Think of this, have you done anything that you can think of to make her act like this? Did you say something? Behave a certain way? And also think about why she would do it. You said yourself you treat people the same way at times. When you do it why do you do it? If you can’t come up with anything then the answer is yea she’s most definitely trying to avoid you for no reason. Then you either have two choices. Ask her straight up what the issue is or just get over it.

She is so right. I answered every question and came to the conclusion that my sister is just avoiding me. I can be anti-social at times but never towards my family especially for an extended period of time. We haven’t communicated enough for me to behave a certain way or say something to make her act this way. I have only tried to reach out to her and be a sister. I can’t just “get over it” because I’m tired of holding things in but I don’t know how to approach the situation for the simple fact I don’t know her. I’ve always felt like the black sheep of my family (on both sides) but was beginning to feel like I belonged and this was like me taking 10 steps back. . If she won’t answer or return a phone call how do I have a conversation with her about this?

Keep It Classy Not Trashy

Wedding disaster

I have a cousin that is getting married this month. Our first encounter with his fiancé was this past Christmas and she wasn’t very pleasant. She has asked me and two of my cousins to be hostess at their wedding. Honestly, she didn’t even have the decency to ask us personally. She had one of my aunties to text us to see if we would be willing to host. Red flag number one. Weeks later she finally contacts us by sending a group message letting us know what she wanted us to wear, which is a black pants suit. Red flag number two. The text message proceeds to say that she will send another mass text the following day with the menu. Red flag number three. That’s when I realized what she really meant. She wanted us to be servers not hostess. My sister-cousin (that’s the name we have given each other because although we’re cousins we are more like sisters and spend more time with one another than we do with our own siblings) calls me not more than ten minutes after receiving the text. We have a conversation about the attire and duties of a hostess at a wedding. I told her I would wait to get the text the following day to make sure I’m not jumping to any conclusions and then make a final decision on whether or not I was still going to do it.

Well, the next day and the next week came and went with no text so I decided I would let my cousins fiancé know that because she was not clear on the duties of a hostess that she would have to find someone else to fill that position. Was that wrong of me?

So my sister-cousin texts me and asked if someone called me about the wedding. I responded by telling her no. I don’t think she realized I was serious when I said if this girl wants me to serve food I was not going to host. She then says “this is foolish” so when I asked her what happened she tells me she was sent a text saying “Bring 6 or 7 tomatoes, a bag of onions and 2 cases of water but I won’t make you cook anything because you’re coming from out-of-town.” My only response was “WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!” then she tells me my other cousin was told to bring 3 pans of green beans.

Not only does she want our family to serve food but, she wants them to bring the ingredients AND prepare the food. Then has the audacity to say that she won’t make someone cook because they are coming from out-of-town like she’s doing them a favor!?! I understand that our family is from the country and we don’t always do things the conventional way but this is a bit much. When marrying someone you also marry their family in a way. Is this a sign my cousin should run? I mean seriously, where is the class?