Reminisce on The Love We Had…

Sometimes I think I live in the past. The world has changed so much. I look forward to what the future holds but, at the same time I want to go back in time. Not necessarily to change things, although there are a plethora of things from my past I’d love to change but honestly, I would just love to go back to the 90’s and bask in the atmosphere. 

Now that I look back everything was so simple. People were nicer, things were cheaper, TV was better, things were simpler, and music was heaven. I don’t listen to the radio much nowadays. It seems to be that music has lost its appeal. I was so immensely in love with music back then. Didn’t care what it was. Jazz, Alternative, Rap/Hip Hop, Gospel, R&B it didn’t matter as long as it was telling me a story of some sort, I was intrigued.

I could sit and get lost in music for hours on end and not care if I had missed out on anything going on in the real world. It made me feel like I was already connected right in to the world…via my tape deck. 

 

I may not remember certain things that happened in my childhood on my own but, put on a song and the memories come rushing back. May not be an exact pin pointed event but the time frame or a certain time of year comes back. 

Kenny G specifically reminds me of spring/summers in the late 80’s, early 90’s in England. That wasn’t the only time I heard jazz but I can remember vividly all the windows open on Saturdays, music on blast, cleaning the house. Sounds of Blackness and other gospel brings back the same kind of memories. En Vogue takes me to the early 90’s spending summers in the United States dancing and singing in front of the floor tv with my cousins in my aunties basement.  Jodeci: Diary of a Mad Band, I remember a middle school trip to D.C. Then there’s Erykah Badu: Baduizm which puts me in Jersey in the late 90’s visiting my brother, seeing/spending time with my father for the first time since my parents split and meeting my younger siblings for the first time. I can listen to Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers or Capone n Norega: War Report and I’m somewhere in the winter of the 90’s thuggin in the city. Any Biggie record is any year, anytime, any place. Xscape: Traces of My Lipstick I’m sitting in the stairwell at church of all places with two of my friends singing as if we were Xscape, SWV or TLC.  Fredro Starr: True Colors, puts me somewhere in the 2000’s reminiscing about the 90’s. Mya: Best of Me early 2000’s summer doing the absolute most with the wrong crowd of people. Hearing Bachata, Salsa and Merengue music takes me back to the late 90’s/early 2000’s life was a complete struggle but honestly it was much more simplified compared to now.   

 

The list could go on. Music was my life. I lived, breathed and worshipped music. The sounds, beats, stories, everything. I have to listen to the words for music to make sense to me. If I had music I could accomplish anything! Cleaning, writing, thinking, working…it was like living was just so much easier. Nowadays, most of the music that circulates the airwaves does nothing for me. Beats may sound good but not many are telling stories….and if they are attempting to, they make no sense. It’s disgusting, obnoxious, obscene things coming from male AND female “artists” that are actually quite disturbing. I don’t even believe they should be considered “artists” if you want to be real about things. To me it’s an insult to the few true artists that are still out there. But hey, I’m just a music junkie so what would I know. 

What memories do you recollect when listening to music? 

Trying To Understand My Depression

Depression1

Dealing with depression is a struggle. Like any disease it can take over your life. I have my good days and I have my bad days. On good days it seems like nothing and no one bothers me. You would think I have it all together and not a care in the world. On bad days, weeks or months (because it can last for any length of time) I’m miserable. It’s like I stand in my own way mentally and emotionally which then turns into physically (in a sense). This disease hinders you from doing everyday things or just interacting with people. You’re unmotivated and sad. Sometimes you’re even mad at yourself and or at the world. You become unproductive and sometimes destructive. The dreams and aspirations you once had quickly dissipate and it’s just this spiral out of control. It’s like you are the demise of your own empire and don’t realize it while you’re in this “slump”. You may do drugs or drink to cope with life. Some people self mutilate, they may not eat or eat too much. One way or another you let yourself go and it’s all because you’ve created these thoughts and feelings in your mind. When you have good days, you could be on top of the world accomplishing every goal you’ve set for yourself. It’s like the gift and the curse.

Some people just go through life dealing with it (like myself), some see a physician and are put on medication (tried that and I don’t know if it was effective or not but I’m not a medicine taker) and some see a therapist and are able to deal by just talking about things.

Recently I’ve thought about the latter but I’ve mentioned before that writing keeps me sane so I’ve been writing on a daily basis to see if this is something that can help me. In some ways I believe so but not so much in other ways. I begin to write for me but then realize that I’m going to publish it publicly and it’s like I begin to write for the potential reader. I notice at times I hold back some of the things I feel or want to say in fear of how I may be perceived. I realized I’m constantly asking myself and God “Why? Why me? Why am I this way? Why can’t I change this and get rid of the depression?”

I follow My Female Persuasion here on WordPress and Twitter and she introduced me to Mandy Hale  (The Single Woman). While I’m browsing through Mandy’s site I come across her post Where Is God In All of This? As I began to read it I thought to stop and move on to something else without finishing but opted not to and kept reading. As I read through it, it seemed like this was the answer to my whys. I don’t want to say I’m an extremely religious person and I’m no atheist either (I have some conflicting views on religion and I can explain why but I’ll save that for another post) but God truly spoke to me with Mandy’s response to the email.

I have struggled with depression most of my life. I’m 32, single and no kids. I’ve always asked “why me?” I thought maybe my depression would hinder me from being a good wife and mother. I used it as an excuse as to why I wasn’t as successful as I could’ve been. I always thought maybe He wants me to work on myself first but now it’s clear to me, he won’t take this disease away because it’s what keeps me close to him. I began to think about all the times I’m in a happy place and things are going good for me, I’m not as close with him during those times. But when the depression kicks in I have no one else to call on but Him and he’s always right there to listen, to hold my hand and walk me through things. I need Him to survive. If He took this disease away at this time in my life our bond would be almost nonexistent and that’s not what he wants. He has a plan for me and although it’s painful and mind-boggling he’s got me where he needs me to be.

I guess this made me view things differently. Always know there’s a plan already written for you. Things happen for a reason; people come in to your life at a certain time for a reason. Some may stay a while others just have a cameo. Although you may suffer from depression it’s not always a bad thing. You can always turn a negative thing into a positive. No matter what keep your head up. Depression may have you at your lowest points at times but when you have those good days play off of them. Be as productive as you can be. If you feel you can’t do it on your own make sure you seek help. It may be frustrating or embarrassing but take care of yourself, of your mind. It’s a terrible thing to waste. You never want to go through life regretting not doing something because you have a disease. Don’t let any disease dictate your life.

Maybe this post will be an inspiration for you Where Is God In All Of This?