Carousel of Emotional Affairs

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I haven’t written in a while…dealing with a lot. Life happens and sometimes you have no choice but to deal with it.

Lately though, it’s like I’ve been picking and choosing what I want to deal with and the rest I’ve just swept under the rug. Bad decision-making on my part. I’ve abandoned my writing because I don’t want to think or feel. I hate when I get like this because I bottle everything up inside and feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. No bueno.

Let’s address the “love/lust life”….so, every male that was in my life or trying to be in my life come to find out ALL have significant others or a situationship. But there’s three, yes three that I feel some type of way about the situations…I know, I know makes me sound like a whore huh?…but that’s not the case….anyway, so one is my ex, we’ll call him D, we have almost 5 years of history. Then there’s J, I began dating him after my ex and we have 2 years of history. And last there’s Dot, we have a year of history.

So D and I broke up 3 years ago but the last two years here and there kept dealing with one another then I finally took the situation into my own hands and ended it. He was in a relationship and has been going through it with this female. Now clearly we spoke throughout the relationship he had with her but it was more so a sexual thing but still we are still friends. Now that they are going through it he has confided in me some things as well as made the comments like “she’s not wife material” and he could see me as his wife, etc..how do I feel about it all? Well, I’ve waited years for him to say this. I mean he’s always told me he loves me and to even attempt to discuss marriage is a big step for him but I don’t think I’m emotionally there with him anymore….which brings me to J.

J and I met through some mutual friends but oddly enough through twitter. We were following one another on twitter for a while and spoke here and there and he happened to be coming to my city, mentioned it and we agreed we would get together. Weekend came and was almost over, didn’t hear from him and vice versa… And honestly didn’t think anything of it. I believe there was a boxing fight that weekend or something. Anyway, we ended up being at the same place at the same time unbeknownst to either of us. We happen to be tweeting and ended up meeting. There was an instant connection. I don’t think love at first sight exists but this was the closest thing to it. The chemistry we had was like our souls collided. It was odd and unexpected but, lovely. So we immediately began communicating more via any avenue possible. He was only in town for a short time that specific time but was always making trips here on business. He eventually moved here and we spent a lot of time together learning one another. It was bananas. He would make me forget about D but he would never commit so I decided to take matters into my own hands and walk away. A year went by that we didn’t speak. Well, we spoke every few months or via social network but it was scarce. The drama truly unfolded with him. He had another situationship going on which resulted in the conception of his youngest daughter. It was like a dagger to my heart because I truly love this man….I’m IN love with him. At times I think I’m more in love with him than I was with D but, I can’t compare love. I love them separately and differently. That situationship ended and he ended up in an actual relationship and has been for the last year but, within the last 6 months we reconnected and things were moving very quickly. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I was told to be honest and open (as I always am) but this time I laid everything out in the open only to be told that he can’t effectively love two people but he can’t be without me in his life….he still has a girlfriend and I basically feel I’m pushed to the side. REJECTED‼️ 😣

Now, over the last year and before J and I reconnected like we did I met Dot. We met through a mutual friend via twitter. He introduced us, we hit it off and met at the mutual friends cookout. Things progressed fairly quickly only to come to a complete halt. It bothered me. I asked numerous times if he was in a relationship, situationship or what was going on. Constantly asked if I should control and contain feelings and so forth and he played the game as though it was ok to feel what I was feeling and wanting more. He then stepped off and went into the Air Force. Being a military brat I know he can write in basic but he made it seem like he couldn’t do anything which was red flag number one…then his son didn’t go to his graduation but this same female he’s always around did. I suspected they had something going on and sure enough…they do. Now that I know that for sure I really feel like he played with my emotions…but I don’t understand why. I mean, all I asked for was honesty and made that very clear even explained why but he decided to act childish. I can admit, since I confirmed that the two are an item I’ve been petty and blocked him from calling or texting me. Now, the twist is he has one possession that is close and dear to his heart that he has left at my house for the past year and has been told repeatedly to take it with him when he was there or to come get it, how do I go about that? I really want to be spiteful but I know I’d be wrong. If I’m not spiteful then I know that at some point we have to come face to face and because my feelings were hurt I feel like I may not act like an adult.

It’s like I have this sign in my forehead that says HOMEWRECKER 😩 but I am far from that. I want an honest man. What am I going to do with someone who would treat their lady this type of way? If he’ll do it to her then he wouldn’t hesitate to do it to me. I honestly think I’m meant to be single for the duration of my life 😔. No matter how much I push these men away they always end up back in my life. So clearly, I am the issue.

How do I break free from this? With my D, I honestly feel it’s just the fact that he’s my comfort zone in every way. Friendship, relationship, family wise, everything. With J, I’m currently in love with this man so it’s all emotional and as for Dot, right now at this very moment, I could care less. I haven’t been put in a situation yet with him where we are around one another since I’ve found out because he is still in tech school for the AF so I’m not quite sure how I really feel.

Am I just making excuses to make my self feel better?

….sigh…..the stories of my life…..😔

The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

Leverage

Colby asked about you”

Was the text message that came across my screen. As I read it a few times over, my heart dropped. Although I smiled, tears formed in my eyes. It was my ex telling me that his son was asking about me. It made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. He and I were together for three and a half years. When we met his son was 6 months. I grew attached to Colby. I never once thought that he would be attached to me. I guess I figured he was too young to understand who I was and what had happened or realize that I wasn’t going to be around anymore.

It’s been a while since I saw him.

My ex and I didn’t part ways on bad terms, we were just moving in opposite directions. We don’t speak on a regular basis but we do communicate at times. I was extremely close with his entire family and I had to eventually make the decision to cut all ties with them in order for me to let the relationship go completely.

I responded by saying I miss him too then continued by asking what he said exactly. His reply was “He sat down next to me and asks, where is Blu? I miss her”. At that point I didn’t know what to do or say so, I said nothing. It took me two hours before I could muster up a few words to say. “I got attached and there was no way around that.”
Although I would love to see this little boy, I’m not too sure it’s a good idea. I don’t have kids of my own but Colby was like my son and I treated him like so. I don’t want the old feelings to come back between his father and I, or the routine. I don’t want to get reattached to Colby or for him to get reattached to me.

Aaaaagggh!!! What am I to do!?!

Direction

I don’t want to put this child in the middle of our whatever it is and I definitely don’t believe in using a child as leverage, and sometimes I feel like my ex uses his child to keep me in a certain place in his life. I thought I had completely let go of the relationship but when I think about it, if certain things were different I wouldn’t think twice about trying again with him. So now my dilemma is, do I just dismiss the entire situation and say/do nothing? Do I go see Colby and possibly open a door that shouldn’t be opened?

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been making some really good and healthy decision in and for my life lately, I’m not sure where this would take me. I guess I have some honest thinking to do.

Daddy Issues

Daddy Issues 3

Every female wants to be loved. Growing up my father wasn’t around and my step father wasn’t a very good father figure. My older brother was the closest thing to a father figure I had but, how can you search for the same type of love your brother gives you? You end up with a horde of males that are “friend zoned”. I’ve searched high and low for someone to show me that love that is unconditional, that is beyond any other and have yet to find it. Sometimes I hold my father responsible for this and maybe it’s about time to let it go. I was always told that my father didn’t want me and that’s why he wasn’t active in my life (found out that wasn’t true) so I’ve always had this insecurity that if my father didn’t want me, what makes me think any male would?

I have built this barrier that no one seems to be able to completely get through. I let people in my world but when the insecurities kick in, I retract. There have even been times where I have purposely sabotaged a relationship because I began to think  “No way this man can like me this much or love me.”  I’ve also let men walk all over me mistaking these actions for love. There’s always that one person that you just can’t let go of though. You know, one of those people who you are genuinely good friends with, you just can’t be in a relationship with…yet you have this sexual chemistry that is undeniable. Yea, him.

Sexy, intelligent, musically talented, a good listener and a great friend. We have this open friendship where we can touch on any subject. It’s been this way from day one. Maybe that’s why we will never work in a relationship. I don’t know. He’s the only person that I’ve dealt with that I didn’t feel like we just had sex, he made love to me. Every single time we’ve been intimate he’s catered to me in any and every way, just different from anything else but its only lust…

Although we are extremely good friends, we aren’t in love with one another. One thing I’ve come to realize is, I don’t think I’ve ever truly been loved and honestly I’m not quite sure if I know what love is supposed to feel like. I mean, I know how I would want to be loved as well as how I myself show my love and affection but seriously….what is love?

Does anyone really know or do we all just come up with our own perception of what it should be and call it love? Most people say that a father’s love for his daughter and the way he treats her is supposed to the blueprint as to how a man should treat someone he loves (is in love with). What happens to those that don’t grow up with a father in their life? They continue to search for this love they hear of but know absolutely nothing about. They end up treating every man like the father that was missing in their life. Daddy issues. I’m that girl.

Situationships, Do We Not Want Better For Ourselves?

side2Why do women think that it’s okay to be a man’s “number two”?  I was watching Being Mary Jane on BET and it dawned on me that a lot of TV shows nowadays have some sort of adulterous scandal going on. In a way it seems like they are glorifying the lifestyle but in all honesty I think they are really just trying to touch on a subject that is so common and real in the world.

Being Mary Jane is about a successful, African-American woman who has all aspects of her life together except when it comes to her love life. She is dealing with David, who also has it together, her family adores him but they can’t seem to get right. They have that on again off again we’re just sleeping with one another here and there type of relationship. She’s also dealing with Andre, a married man who she has fallen in love with under false pretenses.

Now granted at the beginning of the “relationship” with Andre, she had absolutely no clue he was married. One morning she is picking up his clothes off of the floor and steps on his ring. She immediately confronts him but even after confronting him then seeking out and confronting his wife she continued to deal with him. I mean I get where she’s coming from, her feelings were already involved but that doesn’t make it right. She realizes it and she plays tug of war with her feelings. One minute she wants him, next minute she doesn’t because SHE doesn’t know what she wants in her life.

Young man text messaging with young woman sleeping

I see it too often now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been there a few times and at the time was ok with it. Now I think back and realize how stupid it was of me to think that it was acceptable behavior. For me, it wasn’t that I was physically insecure. It was commitment insecurity. I was in a situationship with him. When he and I were together (meaning around one another), it was US. We didn’t have to hide anything or have to refrain from doing certain things or going certain places or any of that. I just knew I didn’t have to completely commit so I felt like I was winning. I was so wrong because I still let my feelings get involved and at the end of the day we were never going to be WE. When I began to break things down to myself I realized that if I couldn’t commit to someone and be in a monogamous relationship then I had no business being in a relationship at all. Not to mention I was not only disrespecting the other woman but I was disrespecting myself.

Do we not want better for ourselves or is it that we are just conforming to society? People think they have to settle or they will miss out on something. FYI, you can’t miss out on something that isn’t meant to be to begin with.

Keep It Classy Not Trashy

Wedding disaster

I have a cousin that is getting married this month. Our first encounter with his fiancé was this past Christmas and she wasn’t very pleasant. She has asked me and two of my cousins to be hostess at their wedding. Honestly, she didn’t even have the decency to ask us personally. She had one of my aunties to text us to see if we would be willing to host. Red flag number one. Weeks later she finally contacts us by sending a group message letting us know what she wanted us to wear, which is a black pants suit. Red flag number two. The text message proceeds to say that she will send another mass text the following day with the menu. Red flag number three. That’s when I realized what she really meant. She wanted us to be servers not hostess. My sister-cousin (that’s the name we have given each other because although we’re cousins we are more like sisters and spend more time with one another than we do with our own siblings) calls me not more than ten minutes after receiving the text. We have a conversation about the attire and duties of a hostess at a wedding. I told her I would wait to get the text the following day to make sure I’m not jumping to any conclusions and then make a final decision on whether or not I was still going to do it.

Well, the next day and the next week came and went with no text so I decided I would let my cousins fiancé know that because she was not clear on the duties of a hostess that she would have to find someone else to fill that position. Was that wrong of me?

So my sister-cousin texts me and asked if someone called me about the wedding. I responded by telling her no. I don’t think she realized I was serious when I said if this girl wants me to serve food I was not going to host. She then says “this is foolish” so when I asked her what happened she tells me she was sent a text saying “Bring 6 or 7 tomatoes, a bag of onions and 2 cases of water but I won’t make you cook anything because you’re coming from out-of-town.” My only response was “WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!” then she tells me my other cousin was told to bring 3 pans of green beans.

Not only does she want our family to serve food but, she wants them to bring the ingredients AND prepare the food. Then has the audacity to say that she won’t make someone cook because they are coming from out-of-town like she’s doing them a favor!?! I understand that our family is from the country and we don’t always do things the conventional way but this is a bit much. When marrying someone you also marry their family in a way. Is this a sign my cousin should run? I mean seriously, where is the class?