It’s Always Worth It

I’ve always had a thing for wanting to help young adults make the right decision. I was an at risk youth that didn’t come from a bad home or bad environment but, I made bad decisions and put myself at risk. I learned the hard way or should I say I’m learning and still paying for my mistakes.

 The type of environment I work in makes me view the world distinctively. I can walk in the mall, go to a restaurant or get on a plane and I wonder about people. I often ask myself, what illness do they suffer with? What have they gone through or what are they going through? What’s their lifestyle like? Are they open (honest) about themselves to others? Have they asked for help or do they really even want help? I’ve come to the realization, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you most definitely never know the full story. 

If I can reach someone going through emotional, health or physical difficulties parallel to what I went through I would love to help. Sometimes I question what difference I can really make in this world. What influence do I really have on the next person? Child or adult. Hell, I ask myself the same question when blogging nevertheless I continue to write. It’s my outlet. It doesn’t matter to me if 1 or 100,000 people read what I post. What matters to me is that I’ve put it out there at anyone’s disposal.

Most children are so eager to take on adult responsibilities but in actuality they are nowhere near ready. They think that those responsibilities will free them from whatever bondage they’re in at the moment but little do they know, life will only have a stronger hold on them… Kids having kids. Children committing crimes that their mind shouldn’t fathom. Kids being out on their own, not yet knowing the fundamentals of life. There are some kids that are molested, abused mentally, exposed to drugs, alcohol and or violence and that’s all they know, so they think they are set up to fail. Some people just need guidance or at least need to know that they have options. Children need to know that there is some sort of support system to help them overcome the tests, trials and the tribulations of life. 

 I’m always looking back and saying “if I had just….” or “I wish I had…” I held myself back from so many things and opportunities because I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a mentor, and most importantly I didn’t have the confidence in myself. I never got the help that I needed to work through the things/feelings I was experiencing. I didn’t have someone to tell me school was important and to really push me to excel, I didn’t have anyone to tell me the opportunities I could achieve athletically had I pursued any of the sports I was into, no one to mentor me about the company I kept or the bad decisions I was making and the consequences that came along with it all. You can’t make a child do something because ‘you said so‘. People don’t do well with being told what to do and especially with no explanation. Being asked and being told are completely different. Sometimes logic is the best answer – good reasoning behind the why is a good way to convince someone. 

 I would like to start a Non profit organization for at risk youth – I’m not even sure I want to limit it to just youth. I want to be able to help anyone I can but I say youth because, if I can prevent a child from making some bad choices early on in life maybe I can save a life or at the very least, save them some pain and struggle. Some people (i.e. Me) are hardheaded but that doesn’t mean give up on them. It means go toe to toe with them on the things that are life changing. Stay involved regardless. Some will take heed and others will neglect everything taught to them but, it’s always worth it.

~Blu 💙

The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

My Quest For Mentorship

My mind is like a mental disaster. I wish they made some sort of device that could record every thought I have so that I could go back sift through it and make sense of it all. At times I sit down to write but I have so much going on in my head I can’t focus on just one thing. When I get like this I either begin to scribble the different thoughts that I’m having at the time and it seems like it’s all useless thoughts that I can’t do anything with and I get frustrated…other times it deters me from writing all together which further frustrates me because I want to write.

My mind is my worst enemy and I’m learning how to use it to my advantage. I’m teaching myself. Lately I’ve been wondering why I never had a mentor. Someone who could really help and guide me in the right direction. Someone to help me sift through my thoughts, feelings….hell, my life! Now I’m in search of one and I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

Mentor:
—noun
a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

-Dictionary.com

My issue is trusting someone enough to completely let my guard down and show them my insecurities and flaws. Letting someone into my life and exposing all of me. I was….I still am…afraid that no one will understand me. I’m afraid they won’t understand my thought process, why I do/say things I do and say…or why I react to certain situations the way that I do. I don’t think they will understand my feelings or lack there of. Will they understand and accept my depression? I have made a lot of poor decisions in my past and I’m definitely trying to make up for them now. I have come a long way from that era but sometimes things still come to bite me in the ass so to speak, will anyone understand that?
These are all things I worry about. Now, I’m getting to a point in my life where I can’t live caring about how others perceive me or what they think of me. I can only be me and the people who are meant to be in my life will be there. I really do agree with people when they say you attract what you put out. At least it rings true in my life. I’m ready to overcome certain fears I have and pursue the things I’ve put on the back burn in fear of being judged or misunderstood.

I do have a couple of questions. Is there an age that is too old to be looking for a mentor? Does your mentor have to be someone successful, someone who understands you or just someone knowledgeable? Hopefully I can figure this out soon. My mind is on a hundred thousand trillion….💭

My quest begins…👣👣👣

Understanding

Leverage

Colby asked about you”

Was the text message that came across my screen. As I read it a few times over, my heart dropped. Although I smiled, tears formed in my eyes. It was my ex telling me that his son was asking about me. It made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. He and I were together for three and a half years. When we met his son was 6 months. I grew attached to Colby. I never once thought that he would be attached to me. I guess I figured he was too young to understand who I was and what had happened or realize that I wasn’t going to be around anymore.

It’s been a while since I saw him.

My ex and I didn’t part ways on bad terms, we were just moving in opposite directions. We don’t speak on a regular basis but we do communicate at times. I was extremely close with his entire family and I had to eventually make the decision to cut all ties with them in order for me to let the relationship go completely.

I responded by saying I miss him too then continued by asking what he said exactly. His reply was “He sat down next to me and asks, where is Blu? I miss her”. At that point I didn’t know what to do or say so, I said nothing. It took me two hours before I could muster up a few words to say. “I got attached and there was no way around that.”
Although I would love to see this little boy, I’m not too sure it’s a good idea. I don’t have kids of my own but Colby was like my son and I treated him like so. I don’t want the old feelings to come back between his father and I, or the routine. I don’t want to get reattached to Colby or for him to get reattached to me.

Aaaaagggh!!! What am I to do!?!

Direction

I don’t want to put this child in the middle of our whatever it is and I definitely don’t believe in using a child as leverage, and sometimes I feel like my ex uses his child to keep me in a certain place in his life. I thought I had completely let go of the relationship but when I think about it, if certain things were different I wouldn’t think twice about trying again with him. So now my dilemma is, do I just dismiss the entire situation and say/do nothing? Do I go see Colby and possibly open a door that shouldn’t be opened?

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been making some really good and healthy decision in and for my life lately, I’m not sure where this would take me. I guess I have some honest thinking to do.

As a matter of Faction…

I have just found my next read and I’m excited! I didn’t realize that Divergent was part of a trilogy. I’m not typically into futuristic type of books/movies but I saw the preview of the new movie and it seemed very interesting. Take a look at Uniquely Meme’s post below. She explains what Divergent is, what each faction means and the purpose of them. Read carefully and take some time to think about each faction and try to place yourself in each one. Think about if you could really live the rest of your life in one of them.

I was torn between Erudite and Candor. I think that knowledge is power and it is a very important trait to have but, I’m also extremely big on honesty. I came to the conclusion that if there was absolutely no turning back, honesty would be a better fit for me. I played the two scenarios out in my head as to what life would be like and honesty seemed to trump knowledge.

Which faction would you choose?

Did Anyone Ever Tell You Drugs Are Bad?

Drugs

 

I can’t lie, as a teen I experimented with drugs and alcohol. Part of the reason I’m so behind on life, bad decision-making. I started drinking alcohol in high school. I would mix it with Hawaiian Punch or ice cream….yes ice cream. Weird right? Then I tried to smoke cigarettes, didn’t work too well. Coughed my lungs up and threw up everywhere. Eventually I was able to handle the smoke. While trying to get the attention of a boy is when I began my journey with drugs.

My first drug of choice was marijuana. I smoked religiously every day. If I didn’t smoke I felt like my day was off. I was in a mellow state when smoking marijuana. It was all mental but to me at the time it made sense. After a while I began experimenting with other drugs, ecstasy was the next one I tried. At one point every weekend I would pop a pill and party. The people I was hanging around with at the time would pop 2, 3 and sometimes even 4 pills at one time. I could never understand that. I would always take half, see how it made me feel and if it wasn’t enough then I would take the other half. I was scared to push my limit. I knew I was already taking a chance by taking one pill or even half of a pill. I didn’t want to end up on a stretcher somewhere. I would smoke, drink and pop pills all at the same time. Reckless wasn’t it? I was a menace to myself. But I was always more so in a laid back mood when consuming all of these toxins so I didn’t feel like I was doing anything reckless. Some people around me would be running around acting crazy, hallucinating and talking crazy, etc. I would always blame it in the amount of drugs and alcohol they consumed.Molly

The next drug that came around me was acid. Now, this was a drug I had heard so many horror stories about “bad trips” but had never seen anyone experience one first hand. I was still skeptical about taking it. One night some friends and I were going to go to a party in another city and that was everyone’s drug of choice that night. Everyone was so amped about this specific party not one ounce of concern was given about who was driving, how much anyone had already had to drink or anything so I decided to wait to take mine strip of acid. I continued to get dressed and about 30 minutes or so had passed and we got ready to leave. As we exited the apartment on the third floor one of my friends took a dive head first down three flights of stairs, laid there for a moment, then got up as if nothing happened. Blood everywhere but she felt nothing. She was hallucinating, thought that the stairs had converted into a slide and she was sliding down the stairs. Right then and there I decided I would NOT be taking acid that night or ever. That quickly erased any curiosity I had about acid. So I stuck to what I knew.

Years later, cocaine was a popular drug around me and again, I got curious. So, one night at a house party while drinking and smoking marijuana, I decided I was going to experiment. Went down to the basement and began my escapade. One rail, two rails, and then a third. I was wired. After about 30 minutes I could tell my high wasn’t the same. I continued smoking and drinking but I couldn’t quite reach the high I had just had so I went back to the basement with some friends and did a few more lines. The high wasn’t quite the same but I was feeling it. The night ended and I was unharmed but I woke up the next day and thought to myself “Welp, that won’t be a drug I do on a consistent basis”.

I then realized how people become addicted to cocaine so easily. They’re always chasing that first high that they will NEVER experience again. So I stuck to ecstasy and marijuana. Eventually I stopped taking ecstasy and stuck to marijuana. I finally got to a point where I smoked here and there but it was more socially then it was a recreational. I no longer use drugs but of course I still drink alcohol occasionally.

I came across this video on Facebook and it really made me feel some type of way. I honestly felt bad for this person. It was a young man looked to be late teens early twenties that had taken an unknown drug, the videographer seemed to think it was a drug called molly. He crawled and flipped around a Philadelphia street corner looking like a puppet master had lost control of his puppet. It was sad and sickening at the same time. All I could think about while watching this is my younger days and how that really could’ve been me. It made me think about my nephews and younger cousins that are growing up this day in age and how to educate them on the effects of drug use. It’s a scary thing. I hate to say it this way but I really wish there were videos or something of this sort when I was younger to teach us about the effects of drugs and or alcohol. I was never really educated on it; it was more so people just telling me “don’t do drugs” or “drugs are bad” but never showing me or elaborating on the effects physically, mentally, emotionally OR financially. I wanted to show this video so that hopefully it would deter someone from experimenting with any drug. It may seem like it’s giving you temporary mental relief but in the long run it’s doing a lot of damage to you in more ways than you can image. And some people’s bodies are able to handle things better than others. I’ll you take a look at it. Just think; this could be you or someone you know on display one day….DISCLAIMER: There is explicit language in this video. The Craziest Videos

Im also gonna leave you with a bit of educational information in case you want to further understand what molly is. CNN has done some coverage on it. Feel free to leave your comments in the comment section. Thanks for stopping by and please remember drugs are NEVER a good choice.

9 things everyone should know about the drug molly