It’s Always Worth It

I’ve always had a thing for wanting to help young adults make the right decision. I was an at risk youth that didn’t come from a bad home or bad environment but, I made bad decisions and put myself at risk. I learned the hard way or should I say I’m learning and still paying for my mistakes.

 The type of environment I work in makes me view the world distinctively. I can walk in the mall, go to a restaurant or get on a plane and I wonder about people. I often ask myself, what illness do they suffer with? What have they gone through or what are they going through? What’s their lifestyle like? Are they open (honest) about themselves to others? Have they asked for help or do they really even want help? I’ve come to the realization, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you most definitely never know the full story. 

If I can reach someone going through emotional, health or physical difficulties parallel to what I went through I would love to help. Sometimes I question what difference I can really make in this world. What influence do I really have on the next person? Child or adult. Hell, I ask myself the same question when blogging nevertheless I continue to write. It’s my outlet. It doesn’t matter to me if 1 or 100,000 people read what I post. What matters to me is that I’ve put it out there at anyone’s disposal.

Most children are so eager to take on adult responsibilities but in actuality they are nowhere near ready. They think that those responsibilities will free them from whatever bondage they’re in at the moment but little do they know, life will only have a stronger hold on them… Kids having kids. Children committing crimes that their mind shouldn’t fathom. Kids being out on their own, not yet knowing the fundamentals of life. There are some kids that are molested, abused mentally, exposed to drugs, alcohol and or violence and that’s all they know, so they think they are set up to fail. Some people just need guidance or at least need to know that they have options. Children need to know that there is some sort of support system to help them overcome the tests, trials and the tribulations of life. 

 I’m always looking back and saying “if I had just….” or “I wish I had…” I held myself back from so many things and opportunities because I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a mentor, and most importantly I didn’t have the confidence in myself. I never got the help that I needed to work through the things/feelings I was experiencing. I didn’t have someone to tell me school was important and to really push me to excel, I didn’t have anyone to tell me the opportunities I could achieve athletically had I pursued any of the sports I was into, no one to mentor me about the company I kept or the bad decisions I was making and the consequences that came along with it all. You can’t make a child do something because ‘you said so‘. People don’t do well with being told what to do and especially with no explanation. Being asked and being told are completely different. Sometimes logic is the best answer – good reasoning behind the why is a good way to convince someone. 

 I would like to start a Non profit organization for at risk youth – I’m not even sure I want to limit it to just youth. I want to be able to help anyone I can but I say youth because, if I can prevent a child from making some bad choices early on in life maybe I can save a life or at the very least, save them some pain and struggle. Some people (i.e. Me) are hardheaded but that doesn’t mean give up on them. It means go toe to toe with them on the things that are life changing. Stay involved regardless. Some will take heed and others will neglect everything taught to them but, it’s always worth it.

~Blu 💙

My Quest For Mentorship

My mind is like a mental disaster. I wish they made some sort of device that could record every thought I have so that I could go back sift through it and make sense of it all. At times I sit down to write but I have so much going on in my head I can’t focus on just one thing. When I get like this I either begin to scribble the different thoughts that I’m having at the time and it seems like it’s all useless thoughts that I can’t do anything with and I get frustrated…other times it deters me from writing all together which further frustrates me because I want to write.

My mind is my worst enemy and I’m learning how to use it to my advantage. I’m teaching myself. Lately I’ve been wondering why I never had a mentor. Someone who could really help and guide me in the right direction. Someone to help me sift through my thoughts, feelings….hell, my life! Now I’m in search of one and I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

Mentor:
—noun
a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

-Dictionary.com

My issue is trusting someone enough to completely let my guard down and show them my insecurities and flaws. Letting someone into my life and exposing all of me. I was….I still am…afraid that no one will understand me. I’m afraid they won’t understand my thought process, why I do/say things I do and say…or why I react to certain situations the way that I do. I don’t think they will understand my feelings or lack there of. Will they understand and accept my depression? I have made a lot of poor decisions in my past and I’m definitely trying to make up for them now. I have come a long way from that era but sometimes things still come to bite me in the ass so to speak, will anyone understand that?
These are all things I worry about. Now, I’m getting to a point in my life where I can’t live caring about how others perceive me or what they think of me. I can only be me and the people who are meant to be in my life will be there. I really do agree with people when they say you attract what you put out. At least it rings true in my life. I’m ready to overcome certain fears I have and pursue the things I’ve put on the back burn in fear of being judged or misunderstood.

I do have a couple of questions. Is there an age that is too old to be looking for a mentor? Does your mentor have to be someone successful, someone who understands you or just someone knowledgeable? Hopefully I can figure this out soon. My mind is on a hundred thousand trillion….💭

My quest begins…👣👣👣

Understanding

Leverage

Colby asked about you”

Was the text message that came across my screen. As I read it a few times over, my heart dropped. Although I smiled, tears formed in my eyes. It was my ex telling me that his son was asking about me. It made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. He and I were together for three and a half years. When we met his son was 6 months. I grew attached to Colby. I never once thought that he would be attached to me. I guess I figured he was too young to understand who I was and what had happened or realize that I wasn’t going to be around anymore.

It’s been a while since I saw him.

My ex and I didn’t part ways on bad terms, we were just moving in opposite directions. We don’t speak on a regular basis but we do communicate at times. I was extremely close with his entire family and I had to eventually make the decision to cut all ties with them in order for me to let the relationship go completely.

I responded by saying I miss him too then continued by asking what he said exactly. His reply was “He sat down next to me and asks, where is Blu? I miss her”. At that point I didn’t know what to do or say so, I said nothing. It took me two hours before I could muster up a few words to say. “I got attached and there was no way around that.”
Although I would love to see this little boy, I’m not too sure it’s a good idea. I don’t have kids of my own but Colby was like my son and I treated him like so. I don’t want the old feelings to come back between his father and I, or the routine. I don’t want to get reattached to Colby or for him to get reattached to me.

Aaaaagggh!!! What am I to do!?!

Direction

I don’t want to put this child in the middle of our whatever it is and I definitely don’t believe in using a child as leverage, and sometimes I feel like my ex uses his child to keep me in a certain place in his life. I thought I had completely let go of the relationship but when I think about it, if certain things were different I wouldn’t think twice about trying again with him. So now my dilemma is, do I just dismiss the entire situation and say/do nothing? Do I go see Colby and possibly open a door that shouldn’t be opened?

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been making some really good and healthy decision in and for my life lately, I’m not sure where this would take me. I guess I have some honest thinking to do.

Friends With The Monster

I realize I run away from reality.  I try to occupy my mind with people, places and things to keep me from dealing with my life. During the day besides working, I daydream to keep my mind occupied but at night when there’s nothing but me and my thoughts, there’s a million different things going through my mind and I can never think straight. I don’t sleep much and when I do, it’s like I’m still thinking because I always seem to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. My mind is strong but I can’t seem to apply it towards things of importance. I focus on men, wanting a family and love; none of which are of any importance when I can’t get myself right. How can you want a relationship and a family when you can’t even seem to find yourself? What could you possibly have to offer?

At the beginning of every year people always have this “New year, new me” attitude, I hate that. I never understood why you would have to wait for a new year to change something in your life but, this year I decided I’m going to try that approach. I’ve actually been taking some me time to analyze my life, confront my thoughts and try to make a change. Most think I’ve been anti-social and honestly I’m at a point where I could care less. I’ve spent the majority of my life living for others and trying to please everyone else or trying to fit in.

I had a conversation with myself (yea yea yea might sound crazy to you but sometimes it’s just something you have to do), I’ve been trying to figure out what it is in life I really want to do. I see people progressing and I felt stagnant. I kept using the excuse that it’s too late and I’m too old to be trying to figure certain things out about my life so I was just content with where I was. Writing has always kept me sane so I began to write. I wrote down a list of questions that I had to ask myself.

1)     Who am I?

2)     What makes me happy?

3)     What do I want to do with my life/ where do I want to be and why?

4)      What steps do I need to take to get there?

5)     Can I commit?

6)     What am I so afraid of?

7)     How do I control my mind and organize my thoughts?

I’ve been trying day by day to answer these questions thoroughly and honestly and trying to figure out a plan of action. I still haven’t completely figured things out but I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve had progress mentally and to me, that’s most important. If I can’t get my mental right I feel like I will always have a void in my life no matter where I’m at or what I’m doing.

Believe in Yourself

We are always so caught up trying to impress the next person or trying to keep up with the latest things that we tend to forget our goals and purpose or we never even think about what they really are. Always take life head on and be true to yourself. Conquer your fears and never let anyone (especially yourself) discourage you from achieving your dreams and goals.