12AM

12AM
And her mind wanders.

She tends to think about

Something that happened

5 years ago, or something

That happened 2 hours ago,

Or something that could

Happen 10 years from now.

Her mind is like a hurricane,

It’s a wreck.

It’s full of beautiful yet

Awful thoughts.

It’s 1AM and her mind

Continues to wander.
A.E

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The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

Different People For Different Seasons….Or Not

Do you ever wonder why people come into your life make a big mark and leave? What lesson are you being taught? I can understand the whole “different people for different seasons” when you’re going through something but what about when you’re just getting comfortable in a place you haven’t been in a while, a place you have been trying to reach for some time and now here comes someone to disrupt that whole vibe you have going but they don’t stay for long? Now you’re totally off track and in a different mind frame than you were before you met them and can’t seem to get right. What season is that??

These are all some random questions I’ve asked myself over the last few months. I’ve had a few people come and go recently but I also have this friend who I have felt is one in the same with myself. She’s a year and a half older than I, no kids, recently single, and mentally a disaster. I hate to say this but at times I wonder how or why we are friends because it seems when I’m in a certain space, a good space…or so I think I am at the time, she’s in a rut and I’m the shoulder she leans on. I constantly question what the purpose of our friendship is. What am I getting out of it and even thought to walk away from the friendship. It’s like we are always on different paths but it dawned on me; she keeps me on my toes. When I’m speaking to her, it’s like I’m really speaking to myself because we have so many similarities when it comes to how we perceive life and or men.

-I need to stop being so scared to reach out to friends like you when I feel so alone

-Being alone is hard for me and I’m not necessarily talking about having a man…I mean having friends and family that I see regularly

-I don’t know how to be alone for real for real

-I be feeling like I’m going to go crazy without a mate

-Not saying that a man defines me but it’s been my comfort”

These are some things that she has expressed to me recently and I found myself telling her to think “what can a man do for you that you can’t do for yourself besides giving you penis?” If a female has a lot to bring to the table and not solely dependent on a man; a man is going to find that much more attractive. Not to mention, you attract what you put out. I’ve always been told that I give good advice but when it comes to utilizing the same advice, I’m an epic fail.

I began to think about what I had going on in my life and the things I needed to change. I’ve never been the type to depend on a man but at times I have felt like a man defined me. I was so wrong. I decided to not necessarily not date but, I haven’t really given anyone the time of day lately because I feel like I need to focus on me. Then it made me think, now that that is out-of-the-way and a man wont be my distraction, what else needs to be changed?…although I love the field that I’m in, I think a slight career change is in need so I have begun to search for another job, something that will challenge me. I was a social network junky and had to take a break which is when I began writing again. I had to change my normal routines and my normal go to’s if I want different results. In writing and thinking about different things, that’s when it really made sense. Whenever I’m in a mental rut and don’t realize it, she’s always the one that calls me to help her with something and it ends up helping me see things clearer in my own life. I honestly think she makes me a better me. Although I don’t mean to judge her it’s like I low-key do. I look at the things she does and says and it makes realize the type of person I don’t want to be and I begin to analyze myself and my life and try to change things that need to be changed.

I guess she’s one of those people who are meant to be in my life and I need to keep around or this could simply be the “season” for her in my life. I don’t know but I hope she doesn’t decide to walk away from the friendship for any unknown reason because it seems like what I’m learning from this friendship is me.

My Quest For Mentorship

My mind is like a mental disaster. I wish they made some sort of device that could record every thought I have so that I could go back sift through it and make sense of it all. At times I sit down to write but I have so much going on in my head I can’t focus on just one thing. When I get like this I either begin to scribble the different thoughts that I’m having at the time and it seems like it’s all useless thoughts that I can’t do anything with and I get frustrated…other times it deters me from writing all together which further frustrates me because I want to write.

My mind is my worst enemy and I’m learning how to use it to my advantage. I’m teaching myself. Lately I’ve been wondering why I never had a mentor. Someone who could really help and guide me in the right direction. Someone to help me sift through my thoughts, feelings….hell, my life! Now I’m in search of one and I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

Mentor:
—noun
a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

-Dictionary.com

My issue is trusting someone enough to completely let my guard down and show them my insecurities and flaws. Letting someone into my life and exposing all of me. I was….I still am…afraid that no one will understand me. I’m afraid they won’t understand my thought process, why I do/say things I do and say…or why I react to certain situations the way that I do. I don’t think they will understand my feelings or lack there of. Will they understand and accept my depression? I have made a lot of poor decisions in my past and I’m definitely trying to make up for them now. I have come a long way from that era but sometimes things still come to bite me in the ass so to speak, will anyone understand that?
These are all things I worry about. Now, I’m getting to a point in my life where I can’t live caring about how others perceive me or what they think of me. I can only be me and the people who are meant to be in my life will be there. I really do agree with people when they say you attract what you put out. At least it rings true in my life. I’m ready to overcome certain fears I have and pursue the things I’ve put on the back burn in fear of being judged or misunderstood.

I do have a couple of questions. Is there an age that is too old to be looking for a mentor? Does your mentor have to be someone successful, someone who understands you or just someone knowledgeable? Hopefully I can figure this out soon. My mind is on a hundred thousand trillion….💭

My quest begins…👣👣👣

Understanding

Who Do You Really Write For?

I’m constantly trying to fit in and find myself. It’s frustrating at 32. I started this blog as an outlet…for my thoughts and feelings to be expressed honestly but I don’t think I’ve done that. I’ve only been blogging for one month but I was re reading the posts that I have written and although it’s me, I don’t feel like I’m being completely open. I don’t feel like I’m laying it all on the line, I’m still holding back.

I recently had a childhood friend post on a social network to the world, family and friends that he was suffering from depression. He said he was tired of living in secrecy (in a sense) and felt he needed to let it be known. I immediately said to myself I could never be that open and honest with family and friends about my disease. I thought how can he let everyone he knows and loves know that he has a disease…and depression at that? Damn he’s brave. I feel so much better telling people who do not know me because they don’t feel pity for you….they don’t know you. They just listen and move on. When you tell people who personally know you things shift, people change. I don’t want that. I make things awkward enough by my mood changes, disappearing acts, sabotaging of relationships and so forth not to mention every day I leave my house I put on a happy face and carry the weight of my world on my shoulders. Everyone seems to think I have it all together and they come to me for advice but little do they know I’m going through things mentally with myself. I’m fighting my own demons.

I try to make sense of me, of my mind, of my life but it’s like a big tangled mess. Have you ever had a chain tangled up and you spend a great deal of time trying to unravel it but it seems like you’re making a bigger mess than when you first started…yea that’s my life. I just want to be normal 100%. Sometimes I feel like I make my life this complicated. Writing helps me to vent but now I’m second guessing whether I should’ve started this blog or not. I’ve found myself writing for everyone else and not for myself. Worrying about if anyone is going to read it? Will they like it? Will there be more followers coming? Will I be relevant? Normally when I write I just write. No format, no audience, no judgment just me and my thoughts. That was the exciting part for me. I could be open and honest and release all my cares, worries, frustrations, happiness, etc and be free from it. Maybe not completely but in that moment. I want to get back to that. I want to really be able to help someone with my words….my story…my life. So I will write when things come to me and be honest in what I’m writing. No format, no comparison to anyone else’s writing/blog…just me. Disregarding all conventional rules….hence the name, Bohemian Blu.

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As a matter of Faction…

I have just found my next read and I’m excited! I didn’t realize that Divergent was part of a trilogy. I’m not typically into futuristic type of books/movies but I saw the preview of the new movie and it seemed very interesting. Take a look at Uniquely Meme’s post below. She explains what Divergent is, what each faction means and the purpose of them. Read carefully and take some time to think about each faction and try to place yourself in each one. Think about if you could really live the rest of your life in one of them.

I was torn between Erudite and Candor. I think that knowledge is power and it is a very important trait to have but, I’m also extremely big on honesty. I came to the conclusion that if there was absolutely no turning back, honesty would be a better fit for me. I played the two scenarios out in my head as to what life would be like and honesty seemed to trump knowledge.

Which faction would you choose?