The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

Daddy Issues

Daddy Issues 3

Every female wants to be loved. Growing up my father wasn’t around and my step father wasn’t a very good father figure. My older brother was the closest thing to a father figure I had but, how can you search for the same type of love your brother gives you? You end up with a horde of males that are “friend zoned”. I’ve searched high and low for someone to show me that love that is unconditional, that is beyond any other and have yet to find it. Sometimes I hold my father responsible for this and maybe it’s about time to let it go. I was always told that my father didn’t want me and that’s why he wasn’t active in my life (found out that wasn’t true) so I’ve always had this insecurity that if my father didn’t want me, what makes me think any male would?

I have built this barrier that no one seems to be able to completely get through. I let people in my world but when the insecurities kick in, I retract. There have even been times where I have purposely sabotaged a relationship because I began to think  “No way this man can like me this much or love me.”  I’ve also let men walk all over me mistaking these actions for love. There’s always that one person that you just can’t let go of though. You know, one of those people who you are genuinely good friends with, you just can’t be in a relationship with…yet you have this sexual chemistry that is undeniable. Yea, him.

Sexy, intelligent, musically talented, a good listener and a great friend. We have this open friendship where we can touch on any subject. It’s been this way from day one. Maybe that’s why we will never work in a relationship. I don’t know. He’s the only person that I’ve dealt with that I didn’t feel like we just had sex, he made love to me. Every single time we’ve been intimate he’s catered to me in any and every way, just different from anything else but its only lust…

Although we are extremely good friends, we aren’t in love with one another. One thing I’ve come to realize is, I don’t think I’ve ever truly been loved and honestly I’m not quite sure if I know what love is supposed to feel like. I mean, I know how I would want to be loved as well as how I myself show my love and affection but seriously….what is love?

Does anyone really know or do we all just come up with our own perception of what it should be and call it love? Most people say that a father’s love for his daughter and the way he treats her is supposed to the blueprint as to how a man should treat someone he loves (is in love with). What happens to those that don’t grow up with a father in their life? They continue to search for this love they hear of but know absolutely nothing about. They end up treating every man like the father that was missing in their life. Daddy issues. I’m that girl.

Situationships, Do We Not Want Better For Ourselves?

side2Why do women think that it’s okay to be a man’s “number two”?  I was watching Being Mary Jane on BET and it dawned on me that a lot of TV shows nowadays have some sort of adulterous scandal going on. In a way it seems like they are glorifying the lifestyle but in all honesty I think they are really just trying to touch on a subject that is so common and real in the world.

Being Mary Jane is about a successful, African-American woman who has all aspects of her life together except when it comes to her love life. She is dealing with David, who also has it together, her family adores him but they can’t seem to get right. They have that on again off again we’re just sleeping with one another here and there type of relationship. She’s also dealing with Andre, a married man who she has fallen in love with under false pretenses.

Now granted at the beginning of the “relationship” with Andre, she had absolutely no clue he was married. One morning she is picking up his clothes off of the floor and steps on his ring. She immediately confronts him but even after confronting him then seeking out and confronting his wife she continued to deal with him. I mean I get where she’s coming from, her feelings were already involved but that doesn’t make it right. She realizes it and she plays tug of war with her feelings. One minute she wants him, next minute she doesn’t because SHE doesn’t know what she wants in her life.

Young man text messaging with young woman sleeping

I see it too often now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been there a few times and at the time was ok with it. Now I think back and realize how stupid it was of me to think that it was acceptable behavior. For me, it wasn’t that I was physically insecure. It was commitment insecurity. I was in a situationship with him. When he and I were together (meaning around one another), it was US. We didn’t have to hide anything or have to refrain from doing certain things or going certain places or any of that. I just knew I didn’t have to completely commit so I felt like I was winning. I was so wrong because I still let my feelings get involved and at the end of the day we were never going to be WE. When I began to break things down to myself I realized that if I couldn’t commit to someone and be in a monogamous relationship then I had no business being in a relationship at all. Not to mention I was not only disrespecting the other woman but I was disrespecting myself.

Do we not want better for ourselves or is it that we are just conforming to society? People think they have to settle or they will miss out on something. FYI, you can’t miss out on something that isn’t meant to be to begin with.

Our Changing Conception of What Dating is

ImageWhy do women think they have to sleep with every person they date? Over the last few weeks I’ve had numerous conversations with multiple females about their dating life. Every one of them has admitted to sleeping with one or all of the men they are dating. They claim they know it was wrong but still decided to go through with it. During the conversations with each one of them, half the time I was trying to remember names or specifics about each man so that I could keep up. It made me ask myself, what is dating?

“Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.” -Wikipedia

Dating used to consist of speaking on the phone with the person of interest, that person asking you to go out with them and them alone, the two of you engaging in meaningful conversation, enjoying one another’s company and getting to know each other. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Dating in this day in age seems to only consist of sex. It seems in our generation we don’t realize that we can date multiple people and don’t have to sleep with all of them. Honestly, you don’t have to sleep with any of them. When dating, yes you are romantically or sexually attracted to the person but the objective is to make a decision on whether or not you and that person are compatible mentally and emotionally, and long term at that.

It’s supposed to consist of social outings between two people. Nowadays the dating scene lacks intimate encounters and mostly consists of group outings. People rarely pick up the phone to ask someone on a date anymore they simply text, tweet, or use other social networks to communicate. Usually the only intimacy between two people on a “date” is when they are engaging in sexual relations. If you are sleeping with everyone you date how can you be sure that things aren’t solely based on sex? How do you know that this is someone that you want to deal with long term if you know little about them besides what type of underclothes they wear?

When you’re dating multiple people you are never giving your complete all to one person so you will always lack something. I understand its tough putting all your eggs into one basket but sometimes that’s a risk you have to take. After multiple dates and conversations with a person you should eventually get a feel for them and be able to decide whether or not you are compatible. If you aren’t, you should move on. If you feel they are a match, at some point you have to make the decision to be exclusive so that you can begin to give 100% of your time and attention to them.

Now, if you feel they are someone that you could deal with long term you obviously need to make sure that the two of you are on the same page. If you have different intentions then clearly it’s not something you should continue to pursue. It seems many tend to waste time on people that don’t have any intentions of being exclusive with them. I would like to hear some other point of views on the topic. What is dating to you?

Keep It Classy Not Trashy

Wedding disaster

I have a cousin that is getting married this month. Our first encounter with his fiancé was this past Christmas and she wasn’t very pleasant. She has asked me and two of my cousins to be hostess at their wedding. Honestly, she didn’t even have the decency to ask us personally. She had one of my aunties to text us to see if we would be willing to host. Red flag number one. Weeks later she finally contacts us by sending a group message letting us know what she wanted us to wear, which is a black pants suit. Red flag number two. The text message proceeds to say that she will send another mass text the following day with the menu. Red flag number three. That’s when I realized what she really meant. She wanted us to be servers not hostess. My sister-cousin (that’s the name we have given each other because although we’re cousins we are more like sisters and spend more time with one another than we do with our own siblings) calls me not more than ten minutes after receiving the text. We have a conversation about the attire and duties of a hostess at a wedding. I told her I would wait to get the text the following day to make sure I’m not jumping to any conclusions and then make a final decision on whether or not I was still going to do it.

Well, the next day and the next week came and went with no text so I decided I would let my cousins fiancé know that because she was not clear on the duties of a hostess that she would have to find someone else to fill that position. Was that wrong of me?

So my sister-cousin texts me and asked if someone called me about the wedding. I responded by telling her no. I don’t think she realized I was serious when I said if this girl wants me to serve food I was not going to host. She then says “this is foolish” so when I asked her what happened she tells me she was sent a text saying “Bring 6 or 7 tomatoes, a bag of onions and 2 cases of water but I won’t make you cook anything because you’re coming from out-of-town.” My only response was “WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!” then she tells me my other cousin was told to bring 3 pans of green beans.

Not only does she want our family to serve food but, she wants them to bring the ingredients AND prepare the food. Then has the audacity to say that she won’t make someone cook because they are coming from out-of-town like she’s doing them a favor!?! I understand that our family is from the country and we don’t always do things the conventional way but this is a bit much. When marrying someone you also marry their family in a way. Is this a sign my cousin should run? I mean seriously, where is the class?