Escape! 

Dreaming…

My ultimate escape plan…

I would give the things I have…clothes, shoes, furniture, etc to goodwill or anyone that needed it. Find a place that’s warm year round, preferably with a beach or some sort of body of water close by and I would move. Pack up the little I had left, if anything at all and move. No warning, no thinking it through, no fear, no doubt, just going. A townhouse or condo with my name on it just so I would have a place to call “home” but, honestly…I’d be a nomad. Traveling here, there and everywhere. Just to see the world, experience people and other cultures, to help me better understand the world and/or the people in it. Never having just one destination. 

The world as well as the people/things in it are so beautiful. I will never fully understand but just to get a glimpse into other countries would taste so good to my soul and feed my curiosity. The different bodies of water, buildings, animals, nature, food, cities, countryside, learning and hearing new/different languages…seeing other cultures first hand fascinate me. Yes, I’m sure traveling gets tiring after so long but that’s why it would be my “escape” and I would have a “home” available to me. 

Traveling and not having to think about your every day problems or your problems period and being worry free would be an ideal life for anyone. If you were to travel and see the lives that others live, it would take the focus off of yourself and even possibly put things into a different perspective for you. Running away from life is what it seems. No, let me be honest…that’s exactly what it is but, if you have the financial means and capability to do so then why not dream a little?? 

Open Letter…

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Just sitting here thinking about things. This is something that has been bothering me for a while but seemed like the best time to finally get it out…

Gu,
You and I were inseparable at one point. We were all we had, brother and sister. I was your side kick and your cheerleader, then life happened. We aren’t as close as we used to be but that doesn’t mean that I love you any different, just means we grew up and began going down our own paths. You are the most loving, kindest, and no question the strongest person I’ve ever known. You’re too kind at times (if there’s such a thing) and you never let things bother you.
These last few years have been really trying but yet you’ve remained strong. You keep things to yourself so no one ever really knows what’s going on with you or in your mind. This past week has by far been one of the hardest weeks you’ve ever had and I don’t know how you’re still able to hold it together but, my heart breaks every time I think of you because I know deep down you’re hurting and it hurts me to know that Im helpless….that I can do absolutely nothing to help you or to at the least help ease that pain you’re feeling.
The things you’re going through now I know are extremely difficult and you don’t really know how to feel or cope. No matter what anyone says or does it won’t make the circumstances any better, I get that.
I know the unknown is scary. I respect you and the drive you have when it comes to my nephews. They are blessed to have a father like you and I know as well as anyone else you will continue to be the best father, role model and friend to them as you’ve always been. I need you to understand that I’m here whether it’s to talk about any and every thing or nothing at all, to vent, to cry, yell, scream. Whatever you need, I’m here.

…and I know you feel responsible for certain things but, don’t. You can’t change things that are out of your control. I pray daily for you and I love you to no end.

Time heals all wounds…💌

~Blu 💙

Carousel of Emotional Affairs

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I haven’t written in a while…dealing with a lot. Life happens and sometimes you have no choice but to deal with it.

Lately though, it’s like I’ve been picking and choosing what I want to deal with and the rest I’ve just swept under the rug. Bad decision-making on my part. I’ve abandoned my writing because I don’t want to think or feel. I hate when I get like this because I bottle everything up inside and feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. No bueno.

Let’s address the “love/lust life”….so, every male that was in my life or trying to be in my life come to find out ALL have significant others or a situationship. But there’s three, yes three that I feel some type of way about the situations…I know, I know makes me sound like a whore huh?…but that’s not the case….anyway, so one is my ex, we’ll call him D, we have almost 5 years of history. Then there’s J, I began dating him after my ex and we have 2 years of history. And last there’s Dot, we have a year of history.

So D and I broke up 3 years ago but the last two years here and there kept dealing with one another then I finally took the situation into my own hands and ended it. He was in a relationship and has been going through it with this female. Now clearly we spoke throughout the relationship he had with her but it was more so a sexual thing but still we are still friends. Now that they are going through it he has confided in me some things as well as made the comments like “she’s not wife material” and he could see me as his wife, etc..how do I feel about it all? Well, I’ve waited years for him to say this. I mean he’s always told me he loves me and to even attempt to discuss marriage is a big step for him but I don’t think I’m emotionally there with him anymore….which brings me to J.

J and I met through some mutual friends but oddly enough through twitter. We were following one another on twitter for a while and spoke here and there and he happened to be coming to my city, mentioned it and we agreed we would get together. Weekend came and was almost over, didn’t hear from him and vice versa… And honestly didn’t think anything of it. I believe there was a boxing fight that weekend or something. Anyway, we ended up being at the same place at the same time unbeknownst to either of us. We happen to be tweeting and ended up meeting. There was an instant connection. I don’t think love at first sight exists but this was the closest thing to it. The chemistry we had was like our souls collided. It was odd and unexpected but, lovely. So we immediately began communicating more via any avenue possible. He was only in town for a short time that specific time but was always making trips here on business. He eventually moved here and we spent a lot of time together learning one another. It was bananas. He would make me forget about D but he would never commit so I decided to take matters into my own hands and walk away. A year went by that we didn’t speak. Well, we spoke every few months or via social network but it was scarce. The drama truly unfolded with him. He had another situationship going on which resulted in the conception of his youngest daughter. It was like a dagger to my heart because I truly love this man….I’m IN love with him. At times I think I’m more in love with him than I was with D but, I can’t compare love. I love them separately and differently. That situationship ended and he ended up in an actual relationship and has been for the last year but, within the last 6 months we reconnected and things were moving very quickly. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I was told to be honest and open (as I always am) but this time I laid everything out in the open only to be told that he can’t effectively love two people but he can’t be without me in his life….he still has a girlfriend and I basically feel I’m pushed to the side. REJECTED‼️ 😣

Now, over the last year and before J and I reconnected like we did I met Dot. We met through a mutual friend via twitter. He introduced us, we hit it off and met at the mutual friends cookout. Things progressed fairly quickly only to come to a complete halt. It bothered me. I asked numerous times if he was in a relationship, situationship or what was going on. Constantly asked if I should control and contain feelings and so forth and he played the game as though it was ok to feel what I was feeling and wanting more. He then stepped off and went into the Air Force. Being a military brat I know he can write in basic but he made it seem like he couldn’t do anything which was red flag number one…then his son didn’t go to his graduation but this same female he’s always around did. I suspected they had something going on and sure enough…they do. Now that I know that for sure I really feel like he played with my emotions…but I don’t understand why. I mean, all I asked for was honesty and made that very clear even explained why but he decided to act childish. I can admit, since I confirmed that the two are an item I’ve been petty and blocked him from calling or texting me. Now, the twist is he has one possession that is close and dear to his heart that he has left at my house for the past year and has been told repeatedly to take it with him when he was there or to come get it, how do I go about that? I really want to be spiteful but I know I’d be wrong. If I’m not spiteful then I know that at some point we have to come face to face and because my feelings were hurt I feel like I may not act like an adult.

It’s like I have this sign in my forehead that says HOMEWRECKER 😩 but I am far from that. I want an honest man. What am I going to do with someone who would treat their lady this type of way? If he’ll do it to her then he wouldn’t hesitate to do it to me. I honestly think I’m meant to be single for the duration of my life 😔. No matter how much I push these men away they always end up back in my life. So clearly, I am the issue.

How do I break free from this? With my D, I honestly feel it’s just the fact that he’s my comfort zone in every way. Friendship, relationship, family wise, everything. With J, I’m currently in love with this man so it’s all emotional and as for Dot, right now at this very moment, I could care less. I haven’t been put in a situation yet with him where we are around one another since I’ve found out because he is still in tech school for the AF so I’m not quite sure how I really feel.

Am I just making excuses to make my self feel better?

….sigh…..the stories of my life…..😔

Emptiness is Me….

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Love or lust? To settle or not to settle? Who am I? Lost and most definitely not found….these are all feelings I’ve had and am currently having. I feel like I don’t know my purpose in life. How can one not know their purpose? How can you be so unsure of yourself and go through life clueless? It’s like I’m going through the motions of life just because. Where do you find the answers? I’ve degraded myself, used drugs, self-inflicted pain (when I was a teen), settled for less in every aspect of life, self hate, depression, self-doubt, peer pressure, following instead of leading, solitude….I’ve tried everything. I have even prayed about it and still….crickets….I don’t even know where to begin. I cry constantly, day and night…I feel like my life is a waste. That’s a dangerous way to think and feel. I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. I dream about things but nothing becomes a reality. I pray about things but again, nothing becomes reality. It’s like what’s the point of me? I try to think positive but I get my hopes and emotions up only to be let down by others as well as myself.

I’m always so intrigued by the mind. Forensic psychology, psychology in general as well as sociology…I want to know why people do the things that they do, why they think the way that they do. Sometimes I can pick someone’s brain and understand them or analyze a person and be right on point but, when it comes to myself it’s like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle missing the key pieces.

I recently started going back to church and at times I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be and other times I still question whether I’m in the right place. The only way I can describe myself and my feeling is…..empty. It’s like I’m aimlessly looking for something….what?…I haven’t a clue.
It’s frustrating. I constantly question how can a person go through life this way and still be functioning mentally, physically and emotionally in any way. What is a girl to do?

the importance of failure.

Well written and 100% correct! 🙌

hearts on sleeves club

If I were to ask you what failure is, you probably wouldn’t have any words to describe it, but if I asked you what failure felt like it would be a different story. Failure really doesn’t have a definition. I believe this to be, because everybody has a different kind of failure, or a different idea of what failing entails. Technically failure means a “lack of success”. We associate failure with negative feelings, emotions, and ideas. You hear the word failure and it automatically makes your stomach turn because nobody likes to fail. There is a constant negative aura around the word failure, but I believe its time we start looking at failure in a different light.

Let’s take success for example, failure’s complete opposite. When you succeed I can speak for everyone when we say there is no other feeling like it. You did it, you made it, but…

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Social Media: The New Us

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Why do we live in a time where we are constantly comparing ourselves to the next person? We are so consumed with everyone else’s lives and trying to keep up with what they have going on that we forget about our own….genuinely. When I say that I mean we forget what we really want and are so caught up in trying to attain what the next person has. I mean, the majority of us have multiple social network accounts. Every morning and continuously throughout the day you are checking and updating, correct? You’re checking to see what so and so’s status says, what pictures people have put up bragging about what they have and or where they have been or are going to, or you’re reading tweets and blogs. All this to see what the “trend” is, what the “next best thing” is or is going to be. But, have you sat down and thought about YOU? Have you disconnected from all the social media outlets and the world and thought about what it is that you want in life?

I constantly find myself getting caught up in what others are doing that I rarely ever think about what I really want. Not what I think I want or what I want because someone else has (trying to keep up with the Joneses if you will) but, what do I want without comparing myself to others. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you anymore. We let life pass us by and forget about ourselves. When we realize it it’s sometimes too late to do some of the things we once wanted and then we’re trying to figure out what else we could do not what we want to do.

I’ve taken a break from some social media sites and not so much others but recently I decided to take a look at Instagram and visit certain followers’ pages just to see what they had been up to and it made me realize I’m not really missing much. Most followers are people who I personally know and to see some of the things that they have posted and knowing their actual lives I thought this is all a facade….but for what? For who? Why? Everyone wants to be perceived as in shape, thick, pretty, sexy, wealthy, or like they have their lives completely together when in all actuality they don’t. They are struggling to pay bills, they have mismanaged money to buy whatever it is that they are bragging about, they make it seem as though they are happy when in reality they are miserable, if they’re single they act as though they have a significant other (their Jake from State Farm), if they’re in a relationship they act as though they’re single. I just don’t understand why the constant need for attention.
These are the first things we view in the morning, throughout the day and before going to bed at night. It has become our source of news and entertainment. It seems we have let the internet/social media sites dominate our lives. Some people are so consumed by these sites that it keeps them up throughout the night. It’s terrible. We have really got to do better with our lives, find ourselves and try not to be who/what people want us to be. What are we really getting from it other than instant gratification from a like, comment or follow? Honestly.

The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…