Reminisce on The Love We Had…

Sometimes I think I live in the past. The world has changed so much. I look forward to what the future holds but, at the same time I want to go back in time. Not necessarily to change things, although there are a plethora of things from my past I’d love to change but honestly, I would just love to go back to the 90’s and bask in the atmosphere. 

Now that I look back everything was so simple. People were nicer, things were cheaper, TV was better, things were simpler, and music was heaven. I don’t listen to the radio much nowadays. It seems to be that music has lost its appeal. I was so immensely in love with music back then. Didn’t care what it was. Jazz, Alternative, Rap/Hip Hop, Gospel, R&B it didn’t matter as long as it was telling me a story of some sort, I was intrigued.

I could sit and get lost in music for hours on end and not care if I had missed out on anything going on in the real world. It made me feel like I was already connected right in to the world…via my tape deck. 

 

I may not remember certain things that happened in my childhood on my own but, put on a song and the memories come rushing back. May not be an exact pin pointed event but the time frame or a certain time of year comes back. 

Kenny G specifically reminds me of spring/summers in the late 80’s, early 90’s in England. That wasn’t the only time I heard jazz but I can remember vividly all the windows open on Saturdays, music on blast, cleaning the house. Sounds of Blackness and other gospel brings back the same kind of memories. En Vogue takes me to the early 90’s spending summers in the United States dancing and singing in front of the floor tv with my cousins in my aunties basement.  Jodeci: Diary of a Mad Band, I remember a middle school trip to D.C. Then there’s Erykah Badu: Baduizm which puts me in Jersey in the late 90’s visiting my brother, seeing/spending time with my father for the first time since my parents split and meeting my younger siblings for the first time. I can listen to Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers or Capone n Norega: War Report and I’m somewhere in the winter of the 90’s thuggin in the city. Any Biggie record is any year, anytime, any place. Xscape: Traces of My Lipstick I’m sitting in the stairwell at church of all places with two of my friends singing as if we were Xscape, SWV or TLC.  Fredro Starr: True Colors, puts me somewhere in the 2000’s reminiscing about the 90’s. Mya: Best of Me early 2000’s summer doing the absolute most with the wrong crowd of people. Hearing Bachata, Salsa and Merengue music takes me back to the late 90’s/early 2000’s life was a complete struggle but honestly it was much more simplified compared to now.   

 

The list could go on. Music was my life. I lived, breathed and worshipped music. The sounds, beats, stories, everything. I have to listen to the words for music to make sense to me. If I had music I could accomplish anything! Cleaning, writing, thinking, working…it was like living was just so much easier. Nowadays, most of the music that circulates the airwaves does nothing for me. Beats may sound good but not many are telling stories….and if they are attempting to, they make no sense. It’s disgusting, obnoxious, obscene things coming from male AND female “artists” that are actually quite disturbing. I don’t even believe they should be considered “artists” if you want to be real about things. To me it’s an insult to the few true artists that are still out there. But hey, I’m just a music junkie so what would I know. 

What memories do you recollect when listening to music? 

Escape! 

Dreaming…

My ultimate escape plan…

I would give the things I have…clothes, shoes, furniture, etc to goodwill or anyone that needed it. Find a place that’s warm year round, preferably with a beach or some sort of body of water close by and I would move. Pack up the little I had left, if anything at all and move. No warning, no thinking it through, no fear, no doubt, just going. A townhouse or condo with my name on it just so I would have a place to call “home” but, honestly…I’d be a nomad. Traveling here, there and everywhere. Just to see the world, experience people and other cultures, to help me better understand the world and/or the people in it. Never having just one destination. 

The world as well as the people/things in it are so beautiful. I will never fully understand but just to get a glimpse into other countries would taste so good to my soul and feed my curiosity. The different bodies of water, buildings, animals, nature, food, cities, countryside, learning and hearing new/different languages…seeing other cultures first hand fascinate me. Yes, I’m sure traveling gets tiring after so long but that’s why it would be my “escape” and I would have a “home” available to me. 

Traveling and not having to think about your every day problems or your problems period and being worry free would be an ideal life for anyone. If you were to travel and see the lives that others live, it would take the focus off of yourself and even possibly put things into a different perspective for you. Running away from life is what it seems. No, let me be honest…that’s exactly what it is but, if you have the financial means and capability to do so then why not dream a little?? 

Emptiness is Me….

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Love or lust? To settle or not to settle? Who am I? Lost and most definitely not found….these are all feelings I’ve had and am currently having. I feel like I don’t know my purpose in life. How can one not know their purpose? How can you be so unsure of yourself and go through life clueless? It’s like I’m going through the motions of life just because. Where do you find the answers? I’ve degraded myself, used drugs, self-inflicted pain (when I was a teen), settled for less in every aspect of life, self hate, depression, self-doubt, peer pressure, following instead of leading, solitude….I’ve tried everything. I have even prayed about it and still….crickets….I don’t even know where to begin. I cry constantly, day and night…I feel like my life is a waste. That’s a dangerous way to think and feel. I don’t even know what I want out of life anymore. I dream about things but nothing becomes a reality. I pray about things but again, nothing becomes reality. It’s like what’s the point of me? I try to think positive but I get my hopes and emotions up only to be let down by others as well as myself.

I’m always so intrigued by the mind. Forensic psychology, psychology in general as well as sociology…I want to know why people do the things that they do, why they think the way that they do. Sometimes I can pick someone’s brain and understand them or analyze a person and be right on point but, when it comes to myself it’s like my mind is a jigsaw puzzle missing the key pieces.

I recently started going back to church and at times I feel like that’s where I’m supposed to be and other times I still question whether I’m in the right place. The only way I can describe myself and my feeling is…..empty. It’s like I’m aimlessly looking for something….what?…I haven’t a clue.
It’s frustrating. I constantly question how can a person go through life this way and still be functioning mentally, physically and emotionally in any way. What is a girl to do?

Social Media: The New Us

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Why do we live in a time where we are constantly comparing ourselves to the next person? We are so consumed with everyone else’s lives and trying to keep up with what they have going on that we forget about our own….genuinely. When I say that I mean we forget what we really want and are so caught up in trying to attain what the next person has. I mean, the majority of us have multiple social network accounts. Every morning and continuously throughout the day you are checking and updating, correct? You’re checking to see what so and so’s status says, what pictures people have put up bragging about what they have and or where they have been or are going to, or you’re reading tweets and blogs. All this to see what the “trend” is, what the “next best thing” is or is going to be. But, have you sat down and thought about YOU? Have you disconnected from all the social media outlets and the world and thought about what it is that you want in life?

I constantly find myself getting caught up in what others are doing that I rarely ever think about what I really want. Not what I think I want or what I want because someone else has (trying to keep up with the Joneses if you will) but, what do I want without comparing myself to others. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you anymore. We let life pass us by and forget about ourselves. When we realize it it’s sometimes too late to do some of the things we once wanted and then we’re trying to figure out what else we could do not what we want to do.

I’ve taken a break from some social media sites and not so much others but recently I decided to take a look at Instagram and visit certain followers’ pages just to see what they had been up to and it made me realize I’m not really missing much. Most followers are people who I personally know and to see some of the things that they have posted and knowing their actual lives I thought this is all a facade….but for what? For who? Why? Everyone wants to be perceived as in shape, thick, pretty, sexy, wealthy, or like they have their lives completely together when in all actuality they don’t. They are struggling to pay bills, they have mismanaged money to buy whatever it is that they are bragging about, they make it seem as though they are happy when in reality they are miserable, if they’re single they act as though they have a significant other (their Jake from State Farm), if they’re in a relationship they act as though they’re single. I just don’t understand why the constant need for attention.
These are the first things we view in the morning, throughout the day and before going to bed at night. It has become our source of news and entertainment. It seems we have let the internet/social media sites dominate our lives. Some people are so consumed by these sites that it keeps them up throughout the night. It’s terrible. We have really got to do better with our lives, find ourselves and try not to be who/what people want us to be. What are we really getting from it other than instant gratification from a like, comment or follow? Honestly.