It’s Time to Reevaluate Your Life

Have you ever found yourself jealous of a friend or family member that is in a relationship or recently engaged/married? 

 

I was reading a post on MyFemalePersuasion  titled Expect the Best in Friendship and Love (you should really check her blog out it’s quite interesting). She quoted blogger, Reema and I felt like her words were speaking directly to me:

 If you’re upset because someone else is in a relationship, it’s time to reevaluate your life

Most of my friends and family are married, engaged, in a long-term committed relationship, or at least dating. Me on the other hand, I’m just kinda here.  

Two weeks ago, my brother calls me to tell me the “good news”. He got hitched. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about it for the simple fact I barely knew he was dating someone, let alone serious about her. I didn’t want to ruin his moment so I tried to keep my comments, thoughts, concerns and jealousy to a minimum. I’m sure he sensed it being that he knows me all too well. I congratulated him and tried to move on to other topics.

I still hadn’t fully digested the matter and told myself “I’m sure it’ll just take some getting used to“, when the following week my father calls me to get the scoop and inquire about my feelings on my brothers “news” then proceeds to drop his bomb on me, “Well, I’m engaged”. It didn’t effected me the way my brothers news did but, it still kinda bothered me. My thoughts were,  “What in the world is going on!?! Everyone is in a relationship, having children, progressing in life and I’m just floating with my head above water trying to figure out the next move in this game of chess called life.” Then it dawned on me, it’s me. That’s what’s going on. Me. I’m in my own way. I haven’t been able to take anyone serious since my ex. Well, I take that back…I tried to take two situations serious only to come to the realization that they were just that…situationships. Now I’m more guarded than I was before so of course I’m not going to be in a relationship, engaged or married!

I then had to question myself, “are you seriously content with being scared to trust again?” Although love is trusting, it’s not that I’m scared to love someone but, it’s more so I’m scared of the trusting part of love. As I dug deeper I realized, I’m afraid of someone loving me. I don’t think I truly know what it is to have someone love me unconditionally so I don’t know how to handle it. Trusting and loving someone means completely opening up to them, flaws and all and letting them make the decision to continue loving you knowing what they know about you. That’s a big deal! Unconditional love for your parents, siblings, or a child is totally different from unconditional love for a significant other. Love is compromise. Love is forgiving. Love is submissive. I am willing to love unconditionally but my concern is that someone won’t be willing to do the same for me. Love is a gamble

| You’re a great adviser. |

I hear that all the time. I can see so much better from the outside in but trying to live by my own advice is easier said than done. Until I learn to walk the walk, I will forever be single. 

Now that I’ve acknowledged my hangups, I can work through them one at a time and stop being so prideful and scared. There’s no reason to be jealous of anything or anyone because you can always have what the next person has, if it’s meant for you. Most times it’s just about you doing some self reflecting, getting to the root of your problem, fixing the problem and then going after what you want. 

 


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The Perfect Man On A Silver Platter, What’s The Problem?

Why do we push away the ones that truly care about us or want to really get to know us?

I met this guy about 2 years ago. He’s attractive, intelligent, has his priorities together, his life plan is similar to mine when it comes to relationship and family. He has no crazy ex girlfriends/wife, no kids, no baggage. He’s a gentleman and we can converse about vast variety of topics. We started off fine. We spoke everyday whether it was via phone calls or text messages. We spent time together. Our first time hanging out he cooked dinner for me. He’s really a nice guy. When a female describes the type of person she would like to meet, date and eventually marry and start a family with…he is that man. But I don’t know why I won’t date him and be serious about it.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for about a year. We speak in waves. When I say that I mean we speak for 3, 4 or even 6 months straight consistently and then I disappear on him and don’t speak for months. He’ll text and check on me when I’m not speaking and even if I don’t respond he’ll still check on me later down the line, he’s never once changed the way he is about me. When we begin speaking again I always think to myself “why won’t you date him?”

Career wise he’s where he wants to be. He’s always looking to advance himself and continue learning within his field but he has a stable career. Now he’s at a point in his life where he wants a wife, kids and a house. I want these things but I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t have any type of spark when it comes to him. I don’t even like him hugging and trying to kiss me. It’s not that I’m disgusted, I….I don’t know what it is.

At first I thought because my ex and I were still in this back and forth stage that maybe it was because my ex still had my attention. Well, that’s over with and I still feel the same way. I keep thinking does he remind me of someone that I wanted no parts of and I just don’t know it? Like what is the issue. He has expressed to me numerous times what he wants from me which is to be his wife and the mother of his kids. He wants to start a family and build off of that. A lot of his life goals he has put on hold because he has no family to share it with. He has put off buying a house because he doesn’t want to live in a house by himself, he wants a family. Certain trips and things he won’t do because he wants to experience it with a family. He is on the fence about accepting certain job offers because he feels making certain commitments like a big move or something would be easier if he had a family. To me that’s backwards but it makes sense to him.

It’s like this great man has been placed in my life and he’s everything that I would want in a man and he’s attractive but yet I continuously push him to the side and he’s adamant about being in my life as a significant other. What is wrong with me!?!

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s like things are handed to us on a silver platter but we seem to look right over it and pursue something or someone else then complain to our confidant about why we can’t find what we’re looking for. What sense does that make? Honestly. What makes things worse is when you realize what you’re doing but do nothing to change it. In my defense I don’t know what it is about him that I don’t want so I feel like I shouldn’t put myself in a situation I’m unsure of and I don’t want to toy with his emotions especially knowing how he feels about me. What is a girl to do? Since I haven’t figured it out yet do I just let it go or do I continue trying to understand this?

I constantly chase men that don’t really want ME. When I say that I mean I don’t feel they really want to get to know me, it’s more of a physical attraction. Let’s be real about the situation. It’s the bad boy, it’s the cheater, it’s the popular guy, it’s the ladies man, or the crazy ones that I seem to attract and/or pursue. I began to try to analyze things. I want better but sometimes I realize I let my pride get in the way. A strong, intelligent man that has his life together and is ready to move on to the next level is intimidating when you begin to compare yourself to him. That can make you feel like you’re not where you think you’re supposed to be. Is that my issue with him? Is it that he intimidates me? Hmm…

Daddy Issues

Daddy Issues 3

Every female wants to be loved. Growing up my father wasn’t around and my step father wasn’t a very good father figure. My older brother was the closest thing to a father figure I had but, how can you search for the same type of love your brother gives you? You end up with a horde of males that are “friend zoned”. I’ve searched high and low for someone to show me that love that is unconditional, that is beyond any other and have yet to find it. Sometimes I hold my father responsible for this and maybe it’s about time to let it go. I was always told that my father didn’t want me and that’s why he wasn’t active in my life (found out that wasn’t true) so I’ve always had this insecurity that if my father didn’t want me, what makes me think any male would?

I have built this barrier that no one seems to be able to completely get through. I let people in my world but when the insecurities kick in, I retract. There have even been times where I have purposely sabotaged a relationship because I began to think  “No way this man can like me this much or love me.”  I’ve also let men walk all over me mistaking these actions for love. There’s always that one person that you just can’t let go of though. You know, one of those people who you are genuinely good friends with, you just can’t be in a relationship with…yet you have this sexual chemistry that is undeniable. Yea, him.

Sexy, intelligent, musically talented, a good listener and a great friend. We have this open friendship where we can touch on any subject. It’s been this way from day one. Maybe that’s why we will never work in a relationship. I don’t know. He’s the only person that I’ve dealt with that I didn’t feel like we just had sex, he made love to me. Every single time we’ve been intimate he’s catered to me in any and every way, just different from anything else but its only lust…

Although we are extremely good friends, we aren’t in love with one another. One thing I’ve come to realize is, I don’t think I’ve ever truly been loved and honestly I’m not quite sure if I know what love is supposed to feel like. I mean, I know how I would want to be loved as well as how I myself show my love and affection but seriously….what is love?

Does anyone really know or do we all just come up with our own perception of what it should be and call it love? Most people say that a father’s love for his daughter and the way he treats her is supposed to the blueprint as to how a man should treat someone he loves (is in love with). What happens to those that don’t grow up with a father in their life? They continue to search for this love they hear of but know absolutely nothing about. They end up treating every man like the father that was missing in their life. Daddy issues. I’m that girl.

Situationships, Do We Not Want Better For Ourselves?

side2Why do women think that it’s okay to be a man’s “number two”?  I was watching Being Mary Jane on BET and it dawned on me that a lot of TV shows nowadays have some sort of adulterous scandal going on. In a way it seems like they are glorifying the lifestyle but in all honesty I think they are really just trying to touch on a subject that is so common and real in the world.

Being Mary Jane is about a successful, African-American woman who has all aspects of her life together except when it comes to her love life. She is dealing with David, who also has it together, her family adores him but they can’t seem to get right. They have that on again off again we’re just sleeping with one another here and there type of relationship. She’s also dealing with Andre, a married man who she has fallen in love with under false pretenses.

Now granted at the beginning of the “relationship” with Andre, she had absolutely no clue he was married. One morning she is picking up his clothes off of the floor and steps on his ring. She immediately confronts him but even after confronting him then seeking out and confronting his wife she continued to deal with him. I mean I get where she’s coming from, her feelings were already involved but that doesn’t make it right. She realizes it and she plays tug of war with her feelings. One minute she wants him, next minute she doesn’t because SHE doesn’t know what she wants in her life.

Young man text messaging with young woman sleeping

I see it too often now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been there a few times and at the time was ok with it. Now I think back and realize how stupid it was of me to think that it was acceptable behavior. For me, it wasn’t that I was physically insecure. It was commitment insecurity. I was in a situationship with him. When he and I were together (meaning around one another), it was US. We didn’t have to hide anything or have to refrain from doing certain things or going certain places or any of that. I just knew I didn’t have to completely commit so I felt like I was winning. I was so wrong because I still let my feelings get involved and at the end of the day we were never going to be WE. When I began to break things down to myself I realized that if I couldn’t commit to someone and be in a monogamous relationship then I had no business being in a relationship at all. Not to mention I was not only disrespecting the other woman but I was disrespecting myself.

Do we not want better for ourselves or is it that we are just conforming to society? People think they have to settle or they will miss out on something. FYI, you can’t miss out on something that isn’t meant to be to begin with.

A Thin Line Between Love and Sex

Sex Addict

Dating an addict is draining. No no no, I’m not talking about a drug or alcohol addict. I’m talking about a sex and gambling addict. One of the worse combinations of addicts there is outside of drug and alcohol addicts.

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man who was addicted to gambling and sex. He would never admit it but everything he did revolved around gambling and he was always thinking about or wanting sex. It was quite frustrating.

I loved him but, his addiction to sex was really why our relationship deteriorated. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a beautiful thing especially when you’re in love but when everything you do revolves around sex and every conversation is about sex that’s where the problem lies.

I made the mistake of sleeping with him on our first date. I know I know, shame on me. We were supposed to go on a dinner date. We decided a neutral place to meet was at his card house. By the time I got on that side of town the rain was coming down way too heavy and the roads were flooding so we had no choice but to stay in. We ate there and began the whole “getting to know a person” conversation (to me those conversations are quite boring). Talking turned into touching and kissing and one thing led to another and we ended up on the bed having sex. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes because I now know he’s a sex addict and no because the sex was great!

Growing up I was a tomboy so being around males all the time, listening to them talking about females, and watching how they look at females I sometimes have mannish tendencies. To each his own but let me just put this out there, no I’m not a lesbian. If I see a female that is beautiful or her body is, I have no shame in my game I’ll admit it. If I’m with my man we may have a conversation about a female that has crossed our path. I don’t see any harm in looking. But with an addict that is unacceptable. He begins to get ideas and tries to persuade you to do things you would’ve never thought to do.

It seemed like sex was the first thing on his mind when he woke up, throughout the day and the last thing on his mind before going to sleep at night. It started off with every time we saw one another if we weren’t alone we were trying to find some place to be alone and get a quickie in, then there was a touch or feel here and there discreetly and then it began to be more in the open and in front of whoever.

He would call himself “sexting” but it wasn’t sexting at all. Sexting is a mutual conversation between texters that’s sexual but also playful. He would text me and ask me to tell him what I was going to do to him. The nastier the better. It wasn’t sexy or playful, it was disturbing. As time went on he began asking me if we could have a threesome. I thought about it and even entertained the idea but deep down I wasn’t comfortable with it at all. I kept putting it off and making excuse and the more I did that the more he pressed the issue. It got to a point where we would argue about sex. Who the hell argues about sex!?! I loved him dearly but didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. It was frustrating.

He would get mad if I didn’t want to have sex or even talk about sex. When told he had a problem he would get extremely defensive. How do you keep your sanity? You begin to wonder, if sex is this big of a deal to him and not so much to me, what is he doing to get his “fix”. I would find the phone or the tablet stopped on porn, he had piles of porn DVDs at his house. He even went as far as driving through areas where he knew prostitutes were working. He says he’s never had relations with a prostitute but honestly, I never believed that for a minute. It was a complete turn off from that point. Some may ask why didn’t I leave but, I was in love with him. Besides this addiction, we were good together. Our entire families got along well, he has a child from a previous relationship and I was attached to him, the mother of his child and I were cordial (which is rare between females nowadays and I’ve never understood why), things were good.

The last year we were together we were just kind of going through the motions. Everything was repetitive. When we finally went separate ways we still ended up sleeping with one another for two more years. I really began to think to myself “why am I letting this go on?” It dawned on me; I wasn’t really ready to let the relationship go. His family would still call me and ask me to do things with them as we normally did but eventually I slowly began to pull away. I realized I had to if I was gonna let this go. I stopped answering phone calls and text messages from them but he and I were still dealing with one another every so often.

So my birthday came and although at this time we hadn’t spoke in weeks he texts me to tell me happy birthday around midnight the morning of which was odd. I responded by saying thank you and left it at that. He texted back wondering what I was doing for my birthday and I let him know some of my friends had some things planned. He asked if he could see me after and a  light went on in my head, he thinks because it’s my birthday I’ll probably want some “birthday sex” and who better than him to give it to me. Ha! He had another thing coming. I told him sure but in the back of my mind I thought to myself I’m just going to conveniently forget to call him when I’m finished hanging out with my friends. But that night I got drunk and had another plan I wanted to execute. I knew I needed to let this go, I did want birthday sex and I also wanted to have the last say in things and what better opportunity than this. I texted him to find out where he was and he responded right away. He was waiting for the text so right then and there I knew this was about sex and not it being my birthday, how selfish of him. I had him meet me at my place (mind you it was 230 a.m.). I got there and took a shower, made him strip down to nothing. I sexed the hell out of him. Wouldn’t let him move, turn, handle me in any way. It was all me. After I got off I got up, cleaned myself up (not once caring if he got off), put some clothes on and told him I was going to get something to eat and he had to leave.

It was 5am by this time and he thought I meant WE were going to get something to eat but I meant ME. He followed me up the street to the Waffle House, watched me eat and tried to converse with me but I wasn’t too much interested. He insisted on paying for my meal and asked when we would see one another again, I told him I didn’t know and that I had to go. It was a month later that we spoke again and it was him wondering why I hadn’t spoken to him. I had already got him out of my system and moved on. It was difficult but I knew it was something I needed to do, for me. I miss him every so often and think about his family but I knew I needed to cut all ties with him. It was evident we couldn’t just be friends and everything was based on sex.

I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t put myself in another situation like that with a male again. Not just with a sex addict but a male disrespecting me the way he did. It was emotionally draining, frustrating and disturbing to say the least. He didn’t want help. He wouldn’t admit that he had an addiction so there was nothing that I could do for him. I probably should’ve handled things a different way but I felt like that was the best way for me to end things.

Our Changing Conception of What Dating is

ImageWhy do women think they have to sleep with every person they date? Over the last few weeks I’ve had numerous conversations with multiple females about their dating life. Every one of them has admitted to sleeping with one or all of the men they are dating. They claim they know it was wrong but still decided to go through with it. During the conversations with each one of them, half the time I was trying to remember names or specifics about each man so that I could keep up. It made me ask myself, what is dating?

“Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.” -Wikipedia

Dating used to consist of speaking on the phone with the person of interest, that person asking you to go out with them and them alone, the two of you engaging in meaningful conversation, enjoying one another’s company and getting to know each other. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Dating in this day in age seems to only consist of sex. It seems in our generation we don’t realize that we can date multiple people and don’t have to sleep with all of them. Honestly, you don’t have to sleep with any of them. When dating, yes you are romantically or sexually attracted to the person but the objective is to make a decision on whether or not you and that person are compatible mentally and emotionally, and long term at that.

It’s supposed to consist of social outings between two people. Nowadays the dating scene lacks intimate encounters and mostly consists of group outings. People rarely pick up the phone to ask someone on a date anymore they simply text, tweet, or use other social networks to communicate. Usually the only intimacy between two people on a “date” is when they are engaging in sexual relations. If you are sleeping with everyone you date how can you be sure that things aren’t solely based on sex? How do you know that this is someone that you want to deal with long term if you know little about them besides what type of underclothes they wear?

When you’re dating multiple people you are never giving your complete all to one person so you will always lack something. I understand its tough putting all your eggs into one basket but sometimes that’s a risk you have to take. After multiple dates and conversations with a person you should eventually get a feel for them and be able to decide whether or not you are compatible. If you aren’t, you should move on. If you feel they are a match, at some point you have to make the decision to be exclusive so that you can begin to give 100% of your time and attention to them.

Now, if you feel they are someone that you could deal with long term you obviously need to make sure that the two of you are on the same page. If you have different intentions then clearly it’s not something you should continue to pursue. It seems many tend to waste time on people that don’t have any intentions of being exclusive with them. I would like to hear some other point of views on the topic. What is dating to you?