12AM

Posted in Life, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Writing by

12AM
And her mind wanders.

She tends to think about

Something that happened

5 years ago, or something

That happened 2 hours ago,

Or something that could

Happen 10 years from now.

Her mind is like a hurricane,

It’s a wreck.

It’s full of beautiful yet

Awful thoughts.

It’s 1AM and her mind

Continues to wander.
A.E

It’s Always Worth It

Posted in Blogging, Life, Motivation, People, Progress, Thoughts, Writing by

I’ve always had a thing for wanting to help young adults make the right decision. I was an at risk youth that didn’t come from a bad home or bad environment but, I made bad decisions and put myself at risk. I learned the hard way or should I say I’m learning and still paying for my mistakes.

 The type of environment I work in makes me view the world distinctively. I can walk in the mall, go to a restaurant or get on a plane and I wonder about people. I often ask myself, what illness do they suffer with? What have they gone through or what are they going through? What’s their lifestyle like? Are they open (honest) about themselves to others? Have they asked for help or do they really even want help? I’ve come to the realization, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you most definitely never know the full story. 

If I can reach someone going through emotional, health or physical difficulties parallel to what I went through I would love to help. Sometimes I question what difference I can really make in this world. What influence do I really have on the next person? Child or adult. Hell, I ask myself the same question when blogging nevertheless I continue to write. It’s my outlet. It doesn’t matter to me if 1 or 100,000 people read what I post. What matters to me is that I’ve put it out there at anyone’s disposal.

Most children are so eager to take on adult responsibilities but in actuality they are nowhere near ready. They think that those responsibilities will free them from whatever bondage they’re in at the moment but little do they know, life will only have a stronger hold on them… Kids having kids. Children committing crimes that their mind shouldn’t fathom. Kids being out on their own, not yet knowing the fundamentals of life. There are some kids that are molested, abused mentally, exposed to drugs, alcohol and or violence and that’s all they know, so they think they are set up to fail. Some people just need guidance or at least need to know that they have options. Children need to know that there is some sort of support system to help them overcome the tests, trials and the tribulations of life. 

 I’m always looking back and saying “if I had just….” or “I wish I had…” I held myself back from so many things and opportunities because I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a mentor, and most importantly I didn’t have the confidence in myself. I never got the help that I needed to work through the things/feelings I was experiencing. I didn’t have someone to tell me school was important and to really push me to excel, I didn’t have anyone to tell me the opportunities I could achieve athletically had I pursued any of the sports I was into, no one to mentor me about the company I kept or the bad decisions I was making and the consequences that came along with it all. You can’t make a child do something because ‘you said so‘. People don’t do well with being told what to do and especially with no explanation. Being asked and being told are completely different. Sometimes logic is the best answer – good reasoning behind the why is a good way to convince someone. 

 I would like to start a Non profit organization for at risk youth – I’m not even sure I want to limit it to just youth. I want to be able to help anyone I can but I say youth because, if I can prevent a child from making some bad choices early on in life maybe I can save a life or at the very least, save them some pain and struggle. Some people (i.e. Me) are hardheaded but that doesn’t mean give up on them. It means go toe to toe with them on the things that are life changing. Stay involved regardless. Some will take heed and others will neglect everything taught to them but, it’s always worth it.

~Blu 💙

It’s Time to Reevaluate Your Life

Posted in Life, Relationships, Thoughts by

Have you ever found yourself jealous of a friend or family member that is in a relationship or recently engaged/married? 

 

I was reading a post on MyFemalePersuasion  titled Expect the Best in Friendship and Love (you should really check her blog out it’s quite interesting). She quoted blogger, Reema and I felt like her words were speaking directly to me:

 | If you’re upset because someone else is in a relationship, it’s time to reevaluate your life. | 

Most of my friends and family are married, engaged, in a long-term committed relationship, or at least dating. Me on the other hand, I’m just kinda here.  

Two weeks ago, my brother calls me to tell me the “good news”. He got hitched. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about it for the simple fact I barely knew he was dating someone, let alone serious about her. I didn’t want to ruin his moment so I tried to keep my comments, thoughts, concerns and jealousy to a minimum. I’m sure he sensed it being that he knows me all too well. I congratulated him and tried to move on to other topics.

I still hadn’t fully digested the matter and told myself “I’m sure it’ll just take some getting used to“, when the following week my father calls me to get the scoop and inquire about my feelings on my brothers “news” then proceeds to drop his bomb on me, “Well, I’m engaged”. It didn’t effected me the way my brothers news did but, it still kinda bothered me. My thoughts were,  “What in the world is going on!?! Everyone is in a relationship, having children, progressing in life and I’m just floating with my head above water trying to figure out the next move in this game of chess called life.” Then it dawned on me, it’s me. That’s what’s going on. Me. I’m in my own way. I haven’t been able to take anyone serious since my ex. Well, I take that back…I tried to take two situations serious only to come to the realization that they were just that…situationships. Now I’m more guarded than I was before so of course I’m not going to be in a relationship, engaged or married!

I then had to question myself, “are you seriously content with being scared to trust again?” Although love is trusting, it’s not that I’m scared to love someone but, it’s more so I’m scared of the trusting part of love. As I dug deeper I realized, I’m afraid of someone loving me. I don’t think I truly know what it is to have someone love me unconditionally so I don’t know how to handle it. Trusting and loving someone means completely opening up to them, flaws and all and letting them make the decision to continue loving you knowing what they know about you. That’s a big deal! Unconditional love for your parents, siblings, or a child is totally different from unconditional love for a significant other. Love is compromise. Love is forgiving. Love is submissive. I am willing to love unconditionally but my concern is that someone won’t be willing to do the same for me. Love is a gamble. 

| You’re a great adviser. |

I hear that all the time. I can see so much better from the outside in but trying to live by my own advice is easier said than done. Until I learn to walk the walk, I will forever be single. 

Now that I’ve acknowledged my hangups, I can work through them one at a time and stop being so prideful and scared. There’s no reason to be jealous of anything or anyone because you can always have what the next person has, if it’s meant for you. Most times it’s just about you doing some self reflecting, getting to the root of your problem, fixing the problem and then going after what you want. 

 


Reminisce on The Love We Had…

Posted in Blogging, Inspiration, Life, Music, Thoughts, Writing by

Sometimes I think I live in the past. The world has changed so much. I look forward to what the future holds but, at the same time I want to go back in time. Not necessarily to change things, although there are a plethora of things from my past I’d love to change but honestly, I would just love to go back to the 90’s and bask in the atmosphere. 

Now that I look back everything was so simple. People were nicer, things were cheaper, TV was better, things were simpler, and music was heaven. I don’t listen to the radio much nowadays. It seems to be that music has lost its appeal. I was so immensely in love with music back then. Didn’t care what it was. Jazz, Alternative, Rap/Hip Hop, Gospel, R&B it didn’t matter as long as it was telling me a story of some sort, I was intrigued.

I could sit and get lost in music for hours on end and not care if I had missed out on anything going on in the real world. It made me feel like I was already connected right in to the world…via my tape deck. 

 

I may not remember certain things that happened in my childhood on my own but, put on a song and the memories come rushing back. May not be an exact pin pointed event but the time frame or a certain time of year comes back. 

Kenny G specifically reminds me of spring/summers in the late 80’s, early 90’s in England. That wasn’t the only time I heard jazz but I can remember vividly all the windows open on Saturdays, music on blast, cleaning the house. Sounds of Blackness and other gospel brings back the same kind of memories. En Vogue takes me to the early 90’s spending summers in the United States dancing and singing in front of the floor tv with my cousins in my aunties basement.  Jodeci: Diary of a Mad Band, I remember a middle school trip to D.C. Then there’s Erykah Badu: Baduizm which puts me in Jersey in the late 90’s visiting my brother, seeing/spending time with my father for the first time since my parents split and meeting my younger siblings for the first time. I can listen to Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers or Capone n Norega: War Report and I’m somewhere in the winter of the 90’s thuggin in the city. Any Biggie record is any year, anytime, any place. Xscape: Traces of My Lipstick I’m sitting in the stairwell at church of all places with two of my friends singing as if we were Xscape, SWV or TLC.  Fredro Starr: True Colors, puts me somewhere in the 2000’s reminiscing about the 90’s. Mya: Best of Me early 2000’s summer doing the absolute most with the wrong crowd of people. Hearing Bachata, Salsa and Merengue music takes me back to the late 90’s/early 2000’s life was a complete struggle but honestly it was much more simplified compared to now.   

 

The list could go on. Music was my life. I lived, breathed and worshipped music. The sounds, beats, stories, everything. I have to listen to the words for music to make sense to me. If I had music I could accomplish anything! Cleaning, writing, thinking, working…it was like living was just so much easier. Nowadays, most of the music that circulates the airwaves does nothing for me. Beats may sound good but not many are telling stories….and if they are attempting to, they make no sense. It’s disgusting, obnoxious, obscene things coming from male AND female “artists” that are actually quite disturbing. I don’t even believe they should be considered “artists” if you want to be real about things. To me it’s an insult to the few true artists that are still out there. But hey, I’m just a music junkie so what would I know. 

What memories do you recollect when listening to music? 

Escape! 

Posted in Blogging, Life, Thoughts, Writing by

Dreaming…

My ultimate escape plan…

I would give the things I have…clothes, shoes, furniture, etc to goodwill or anyone that needed it. Find a place that’s warm year round, preferably with a beach or some sort of body of water close by and I would move. Pack up the little I had left, if anything at all and move. No warning, no thinking it through, no fear, no doubt, just going. A townhouse or condo with my name on it just so I would have a place to call “home” but, honestly…I’d be a nomad. Traveling here, there and everywhere. Just to see the world, experience people and other cultures, to help me better understand the world and/or the people in it. Never having just one destination. 

The world as well as the people/things in it are so beautiful. I will never fully understand but just to get a glimpse into other countries would taste so good to my soul and feed my curiosity. The different bodies of water, buildings, animals, nature, food, cities, countryside, learning and hearing new/different languages…seeing other cultures first hand fascinate me. Yes, I’m sure traveling gets tiring after so long but that’s why it would be my “escape” and I would have a “home” available to me. 

Traveling and not having to think about your every day problems or your problems period and being worry free would be an ideal life for anyone. If you were to travel and see the lives that others live, it would take the focus off of yourself and even possibly put things into a different perspective for you. Running away from life is what it seems. No, let me be honest…that’s exactly what it is but, if you have the financial means and capability to do so then why not dream a little?? 

Open Letter…

Posted in Family, Thoughts by

image

Just sitting here thinking about things. This is something that has been bothering me for a while but seemed like the best time to finally get it out…

Gu,
You and I were inseparable at one point. We were all we had, brother and sister. I was your side kick and your cheerleader, then life happened. We aren’t as close as we used to be but that doesn’t mean that I love you any different, just means we grew up and began going down our own paths. You are the most loving, kindest, and no question the strongest person I’ve ever known. You’re too kind at times (if there’s such a thing) and you never let things bother you.
These last few years have been really trying but yet you’ve remained strong. You keep things to yourself so no one ever really knows what’s going on with you or in your mind. This past week has by far been one of the hardest weeks you’ve ever had and I don’t know how you’re still able to hold it together but, my heart breaks every time I think of you because I know deep down you’re hurting and it hurts me to know that Im helpless….that I can do absolutely nothing to help you or to at the least help ease that pain you’re feeling.
The things you’re going through now I know are extremely difficult and you don’t really know how to feel or cope. No matter what anyone says or does it won’t make the circumstances any better, I get that.
I know the unknown is scary. I respect you and the drive you have when it comes to my nephews. They are blessed to have a father like you and I know as well as anyone else you will continue to be the best father, role model and friend to them as you’ve always been. I need you to understand that I’m here whether it’s to talk about any and every thing or nothing at all, to vent, to cry, yell, scream. Whatever you need, I’m here.

…and I know you feel responsible for certain things but, don’t. You can’t change things that are out of your control. I pray daily for you and I love you to no end.

Time heals all wounds…💌

~Blu 💙